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Key points
- A home is a place in the heart and mind as if it is a building or spot on the map.
- Most of us experience homesickness at some point.
- Homesickness has much to do with how we manage change in our lives.
“I’ll be home for Christmas … if only in my dreams,” we sing during the holidays. It’s the most wonderful time of the year for many of us when we retell old stories and recall holidays past.
But it’s also the most painful time of the year for all of us who have lost loved ones whose presence provided the foundations and support beams of our home and who feel their absence more acutely around now.
Home, after all, is as much a place in our heart and mind as it is a building or spot on a map. Home is a place of refuge where we feel safe and accepted as we are. It’s where we keep our most personal belongings and where we feel a strong sense of belonging too.
Home can also be a person whose mere presence in the world offers comfort and reassurance that all shall be well.
Whether it’s a geographic place, a building, or a person, home is the center of our lives. From there we sally forth, it’s to there we return. It reminds us of who we are, offers us identity. As I like to say about the area where I grew up in Connecticut and other places sacred to me, it’s the ground that grounds me.
A Home Within
I thought a lot about the meaning of home while writing Wilhelmina Goes Wandering. Based on the true story of a runaway cow in Connecticut, the book I call “a fable for kids ages 5 to 105” recounts the adventures of a free-spirited adventurer trapped by the low expectations of the farmer who thinks he owns her.
While roaming the countryside with her deer friends and ultimately at Betty’s Farm, her forever home, Wilhelmina learns about the power and pride that comes from feeling loved and accepted just as she is. You might say she comes home to herself. She can finally embrace herself as she knows herself to be, no longer needing to run from another’s constricting expectations.
We have all heard the expression, “Home is where the heart is.” Home is also in the heart. We can feel a kind of homesickness when circumstances or others’ lack of acceptance force us to be disconnected from the place within us where we feel safe and sure of ourselves. We can also feel a sense of confidence from internalizing the positive regard we receive from others, taking to heart their kind words and gestures, judging ourselves worthy of them.
Homesickness
Poetry and songs worldwide overflow with expressions of longing and sadness for a beloved home or homeland or for "the old folks back home," those long familiar to us—even Homer’s Odyssey referenced homesickness.
Most of us are prone to homesickness when we are separated from the places and people who evoke these feelings of safety and certainty. That separation may result from a move or another change that disrupts the flows and familiarities of our day-to-day lives. It feels like grief because it is grief, for the loss of the comforts of home—however, we define home.
Many people experience homesickness when they move. It’s usually mild, including pangs of longing for a place or people and feelings of nostalgia. But it can also be an overwhelming emotion, cause stress, lead to depression, sleep disruption, or nightmares, and even produce panic attacks. Children are especially prone to homesickness because their sense of security, literally their whole world, is tied to their family and the physical space of their home. Young adults off to college or living away from home for the first time are also prone to homesickness.
It’s important to clarify that homesickness is not a mental illness and does not require treatment—though some people may benefit from therapy to help them adjust to new environments and circumstances, particularly if they find themselves lapsing into depression.
How to Deal With Homesickness
Homesickness has a lot to do with change and how well we can manage it in our lives. When you are feeling homesick because of a move, here are five things you can do to help regulate your emotions while giving yourself the best shot at adjusting to and even enjoying your new place:
- Don’t stay in constant contact: Virtual communication platforms such as Zoom and FaceTime can help you feel connected to your loved ones when you can’t physically be together. But staying in too close contact can exacerbate your feelings of being cut off and lonely by constantly reminding you of what and whom you are missing. They may keep you so plugged into the place or people you moved away from that you fail to explore and meet people in your new place. To live mindfully, to fully occupy your present moment, you need to limit the degree to which you keep yourself actively involved in the day-to-day life of a place where you no longer live.
- Explore: Get to know your new area by attending local events and exploring places of interest.
- Avoid isolating yourself: Simply putting yourself in places where other people, such as a coffeehouse, can keep you from slipping into depression and isolation. Use Meetup and find other ways to meet people who share your interests.
- Eat well and get the sleep you need: Failing to eat healthy, nutritious food, and get enough sleep, and keep a regular sleep schedule, can exacerbate feelings like sadness as well as seriously undermine your physical and emotional health.
My fifth suggestion is to understand that your sense of connection to the places and people who define home for you lies within yourself. It doesn’t require a physical place. You carry it with you, wherever you may be. You can draw on it whenever you need to remind yourself of your roots and rootedness. It can be the source of your best values and fondest memories. And you can take comfort and confidence from it as you adjust to all of the changes life inevitably brings.
