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When our expectations about someone we trust are upset, our world flips upside down. The sexual misconduct allegations against Matt Lauer and Garrison Keillor — two seemingly reliable men who have guided the national discourse on decency for decades — have done just that. Both well-loved figures exemplified wholesome values in our daily lives — values we rely on, such as kindness, wisdom, stability, and guidance — making the accusations against them doubly disorienting. As a culture, we treasure the fantasy that someone is taking care of us, like a proverbial father. We especially want our male public figures to embody dignity and to provide us with a sense of safety. So much so that we’re seduced by their television or radio personalities into thinking that they’re gods, impervious to human frailty. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised, then, that our projections are not knights in shining armor, but flawed human beings with the capacity for abusing power, just like the rest of us.
We wonder, slack-jawed, why someone who’s worked long and hard to build a career and life would throw it all away by engaging in predatory behaviors. Without knowing these individuals, we can only speculate that an increasing sense of power led them to feel impervious to the rules and regulations we mortals have to abide by, and that the constant need for validation from fans had them seeking validation from women, even without their consent. Feelings of sexual inadequacy tie closely to needing external validation, so what could be better than the attention of a woman caught off-guard, unable to say “no” to the allure of celebrity? In fact, having dominance and power over a female whose job hinges on her “telling” or “not telling” can be wildly exciting due to the secrecy of the one-way pact.
But let’s not forget how the culture at large has co-signed on these unilateral sexual exchanges. In the 1950s, “madmen” were the quintessential sexual harassers. Taking what they wanted when they wanted it, they set the stage for alcoholism, “womanizing,” and all-around male entitlement. Many of us naively thought the cultural shifts that birthed feminism and the Equal Rights Amendment in the 1970s laid patriarchy to rest. Little did we know that misogyny, like racism, just buried itself underground, to raise its ugly head behind the scenes of television studios and the closed doors of corporate and political offices, where women continued to suffer in silence. With a culture that tacitly winked at workplace inequality and misogynistic practices, it’s no surprise that even our most beloved figures continued to behave egregiously against women, or learned that such behavior was culturally sanctioned enough for them to get away with “grabbing” at what they wanted.
And then there’s the notion that the male libido is brutal, illustrated throughout literature by werewolves and vampires feeding on the weaker female sex through domination in myths and fairy tales. This aggressive force of nature builds and destroys civilizations, yet what have we done as a culture to harness male energy toward constructive ends? Not much. We’ve left boys to get their sex education from pornography and to mimic the consumer-culture feed instructing them on pseudo-intimacy and on how to cobble together their male identity. Ever loyal to the idea that rugged individualism equals strength, the American male is on his own with few, if any, forums to talk about his struggles, masculinity, and sexuality in meaningful ways. Pointing out this cultural shortcoming is not meant to exonerate perpetrators or to suggest that men should have feelings identical to women’s. Instead, we should see it for what it is: an opportunity for a societal shift that encourages men to dialog with each other about what it means to be male in a world full of conflicting messages about masculinity and sexual expression, and a multitude of increasing pressures to perform on all fronts.
Perhaps we can say that Lauer and Keilor are throwbacks to an era that never ended. They, like the unfolding roster of sexual perpetrators in the media, may very well represent a necessary evolutionary process towards gender equality, mutual respect, and a redefining of what it means to be male. Also last month, 60-year-old Russell Simmons stepped down as CEO from his companies, stating, “I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over many decades” and claiming to be appalled that he would ever knowingly harm a woman, while another source equates him with film director Brett Ratner and reports that they were “in it together.”
So, which is it? Do these men know what they’re doing or don’t they? Maybe some of them do, and others don’t. Perhaps the male ego and sexuality don’t always recognize the subtle signs and clues that women’s flirtations are merely that, and not an invitation for unwanted sexual advances. These are just a few questions in a highly complex matrix of gender issues that can begin a conversation about modern masculinity. Let’s continue to empower the voices of the previously voiceless in speaking their truth, and to view the exposure of the perpetrators as a call for culture change. It’s time for men to begin to look at their sexual needs and desires, and to consider how and where to put those energies appropriately. It’s time for re-educating males and females on how to behave in the workplace, and for educating our boys on how to be men. For healthy sexuality to emerge in our lifetime, misogyny must die so gender equality can take its rightful place. Without a culture of mutual respect, clear consent, and defined workplace boundaries, the old ways will continue to cloud the truth that all people are created equal. In the words of Gloria Steinman, let’s “eroticize equality!”
