Conversation Killers: Avoiding Words That Imply Judgment

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With the world's increasing divisiveness and polarization, it's important to try to remain open and nonjudgmental in our tone and words. Doing so can help us empathize, collaborate, and find solutions with one another. Previously, I highlighted examples of how to be more mindful of our language and what could be roadblocks to conversations.

Here are a few more conversation killers and suggestions to stay open:

Using words that imply a judgment

As mentioned previously, avoiding saying "you ought to" or "you should," and using softer language like "have you considered," can foster open communication. Additionally, replace forceful words like "have to" and "must" and words that hint at a value judgment like "lazy" and "procrastinates." While these can sometimes feel like factual statements, they impose your perspective onto others. This approach can potentially shut down others' willingness to engage. Try, "It sounds like you primarily watch shows after work" or, "I noticed you tend to work on tasks the day before the deadline." This phrasing focuses more on the facts and can help open up dialogue.

Using "you/they are" without recognizing your perspective

We risk shutting down the conversation when we use the verb "to be" without acknowledging our perspective or taking responsibility. For instance, saying "you are wrong" can come across as dismissive. Saying "I see things differently" can invite dialogue and mutual understanding. Similarly, what sometimes may seem like a nice statement of "you are being too nice" can add judgment. By addressing your lens, you can keep the conversation open, such as, "When I see how much time you volunteer, I feel like you are being too nice."

Implying your perspective is the only option

Assuming that our interpretation of someone else's thoughts/feelings is the only option can stifle discussion. For instance, saying "you must be feeling X" or "she's biased" removes the possibility for the other person to express themselves. Asking open-ended questions like "How are you feeling about this?" or "Can you tell me how you arrived at that conclusion?" invites them to share their perspective.

Confusing prediction with certainty

Predicting outcomes with unwavering certainty can dampen conversation. Saying "this will definitely happen" or "they will forget" ignores the complexity of human behaviour and shuts down the exploration of alternative possibilities. Acknowledging uncertainty by saying "it's possible that..." encourages discussion and brainstorming.

Lack of specificity

Vague language can leave others unsure of what you're referring to. This can lead to confusion and conversation breakdown. For example, saying "that's not right" or "that's racist" without specifying what exactly you're referring to leaves room for misinterpretation. You can be more specific by saying "I disagree with your interpretation of the data" or "When you said … I interpreted it as biased against …" clarifies the point of contention and promotes productive dialogue.

Using words about ability without context

Making statements about abilities without context can create tension in conversation. Saying "they have poor health habits" because you see they are overweight implies you know what their health habits are and also confuses prediction with certainty. Instead, you can try, "I've noticed they have gained weight recently," which opens conversations about potential physical or mental health issues. Other statements like "you can't do that" without explaining why or offering alternatives can shut down creativity and problem-solving. Alternatively, providing constructive feedback like "Have you considered approaching it this way?" encourages exploration and growth.

Overusing qualifying words without justification

Using adverbs and adjectives without indicating why they're being used can detract from meaningful conversation. Saying "that's really bad" or "I don't like them" without elaborating on what is problematic doesn't contribute to understanding. Providing context and explanation like "I find that approach ineffective because..." or "I have found it challenging to work with them because…" fosters deeper discussion and learning.

All communication goes through our own lens of judgments, experiences, biases, and interpretations. Acknowledging that in your discussions can help remove defences and keep constructive dialogue.