When Your Child Is Worried About School Re-Opening

"Dr. Laura ... School is finally reopening in person here and my daughter (age 5) says she's feeling nervous about it. Any pointers on what I can to help her prep emotionally?"

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If you live in a place where children are returning to classes in person after the pandemic shutdown, your child may be both excited and nervous about going back to school. And you might have some of those same feelings, just as we parents often share our child's first-day jitters when the school year begins. Here's your game plan to settle those worries and help your child start school again with confidence. First:

Calm yourself.

If you're worried about your child returning to school, your child will pick up on your anxiety. Fear is infectious. So start by noticing your own feelings about your child's return to school.

• a. Do you trust that it will go well? Great! Your confidence will reassure your child. Just be sure that you still listen to and empathize with your child's worries, so they feel free to share them with you.
• b. Do you assume there will be some bumps (Remembering how to stand in line or sit quietly with their hand up? Getting to know a new teacher in such strange circumstances?) but have confidence that your child can do hard things with enough support from you? Good for you for helping your child develop resilience! Keep reading for more tips on how to support your child.
• c. Are you a bit worried? Or even a nervous wreck? Good for you for noticing! That's the first step to calming yourself, so you can be that calm anchor for your child.

Your first job is to notice any discomfort in your body when you think about your child returning to school in person. Thumping heart? Tight throat? Butterflies in your stomach? Just notice and breathe into it. It's only fear. It's normal to feel fear when you're worried for your children. That's part of being a parent.

Acknowledge that fear, and then give yourself an antidote. Reassure yourself that whatever happens, you can handle it. (Fear is just thinking that you won't be able to handle something. But you've got this!)

Now consider the thoughts that are giving rise to those feelings. For instance:

• My child is highly sensitive and won't be able to handle the mask all day. What if they get thrown out of the classroom?
• My child has become very attached to me while they've been home. What if they balk on the first day?

The thoughts causing your fear are designed to prevent problems, but they're focused on the negative. What they're suggesting might not even happen. And if you notice them, and take action to create a more positive outcome, you can almost certainly facilitate a happier outcome. For instance:

• My child is highly sensitive, so we've been practicing with the mask and he's gotten a lot better at handling it. I've spoken to the teacher, and if he needs a mask break, the aide will take him outside the building for three minutes, a couple of times a day.
• My child has become very attached to me while they've been home. So we've been doing a lot of playing about separation to work out any anxiety she feels about going back to school. She and I have a whole plan for how she can reassure herself if she gets anxious on the first day.

So now that you've acknowledged your worries, start thinking about a plan that will support your child. Give yourself more inner resources to draw on by focusing on all the times that you knew just what to do to help your child relax and feel good. What you focus on is what you experience, so this will help shift you from anxiety to well-being and confidence. That's what you want your child to pick up from you.

Then, start the discussion ...

Ask your child to tell you three feelings she has about returning to school.

Then, ask why she feels each thing.

For instance, if she says "Excited, scared, worried" you might respond "I hear you. Excited, and scared, and worried. Tell me about excited."

She might say: "I'm excited to see everyone again!"

You: "That will be so exciting, right? After all this time? And what about scared? Tell me about feeling scared."

She might respond by describing a specific fear:

• "I'm scared that there will still be germs at the school."
• "I'm scared that I'll feel left out because the other kids have been online with each other."
• "I'm scared that I won't understand the math because I wasn't doing the homework."
• "I'm scared that I will miss you a lot because I really liked being home with you."
• "I'm scared that you'll be too busy for me now because you're going back to work."

Acknowledge the fear.

Your answer will depend on what she says, of course. But your goal is not to talk your child out of the fear or worry, which will just make her feel she's all alone with it. Instead, offer understanding.

"You're scared about that, huh? That is a scary thought. Tell me more. What's the worst thing about that?"

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Listen.

What our children need most from us when they're feeling big emotions is just our calm, warm presence, which helps them feel safe to explore the feeling. That's how they work through it, so the feeling starts to recede. So just pay full attention, nod, and restate what your child says so they feel you listening.

In our next post, we will finish outlining your game plan for a successful return to school for both you and your child.