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In our previous post, we introduced four reasons why kids don’t do what we say the first time we say it and possible solutions. In this post, we will discuss the final four reasons why kids don’t do what we say the first time we say it.
5. They don't feel heard, and they do feel pushed around.
We can't make children obey unless we're willing to hurt their bodies and break their spirits. They have to want to cooperate. Luckily, our kids usually give us the benefit of the doubt and follow our rules, as long as they feel heard and like they have at least a little bit of control or choice.
Solution:
Acknowledge his perspective. If possible, give him a choice.
"I hear you. You're saying it loud and clear—no bath! You really don't want to take a bath. I bet when you're older, you'll never take a bath, right...? And tonight, you do need to get clean in the water. You have a choice. You can choose a bath or a shower or a sponge bath. Which sounds like the most fun?"
Sometimes, hearing your child's perspective might even convince you to compromise or change your position. That's fine. Just explain your reasoning so your child knows that it was his win-win solution that changed your mind, not his obstinacy.
6. They feel disconnected from us.
When kids don't follow our lead, it's often because they feel disconnected from us. Why on Earth would your child feel disconnected? Because he was away from you all day. Or you lost your temper at him this morning. Or he's angry at you because you always have the baby on your lap. Or you rely on timeouts and consequences for discipline instead of connection. Or maybe just because he's a little person in a big world, and that gets scary, and all those scary feelings get pushed down inside, where they block the child's ability to lovingly connect.
Solution:
Constantly rebuild connection by empathizing with your child's experience, both when you're giving a directive and as often as you can all day long. Be prepared for any upset feelings to surface once your child feels that warm connection more strongly because that makes your child feel safer. Stay compassionate through the resulting meltdown. After he's had a chance to "show" you the upset that's been weighing on him, your child will feel re-connected and more cooperative.
7. They've given up on us.
Children naturally look to their parents for nurturing and guidance. If they're convinced that we're on their side, they want to please us. So if your child is defiant, or you keep finding yourself in power struggles, that's a red flag that your relationship needs strengthening.
Solution:
Half an hour of "special time," one-on-one, daily. This seems so simple that most parents underestimate the impact. But I have never seen a special time fail to strengthen the parent-child relationship, which always helps children want to cooperate more. (Special time also helps your child work through whatever issues they're grappling with at the moment, so it makes children happier and emotionally healthier.)
Laughter also bonds you with your child, and roughhousing is usually the easiest way to get the laughter going. Every child needs belly laughs and giggling both morning and evening to stay connected. When a relationship feels tense, laughter is often the easiest way back to connection.
8. They're human.
Force creates push-back. All humans resist control, and kids are no different. When kids feel "pushed around," the strong-willed kids will rebel, and the more compliant kids will lose initiative and the ability to stand up for themselves.
Solution:
Choose your battles. Make sure your child knows you're on her side, and she has some choices. Coach your child rather than trying to control her. Listening to your child raises a person who can think for herself, stand up for what's right, and isn't likely to be taken advantage of.
Discussions about whether kids are spoiled always indict parents for raising kids who aren't obedient, as if obedience is the holy grail to which parents should aspire. But don't you want to raise a child who's self-disciplined and wants to cooperate? That's very different from obedience, where discipline comes from outside the child. As H.L. Mencken said,
"Morality is doing what's right no matter what you're told. Obedience is doing what you're told no matter what's right."
The quote that opens this post is taken from an article that doesn't mention any of these reasons why kids don't do what they're told. Instead, the author says that kids ignore parents because "Parents want their kids’ approval" and "worry that we're going to damage... kids by frustrating them." This accusation surfaces in every discussion alleging that kids today are spoiled. But I just don't buy it.
The man who picked his 8-year-old up and put him in the bathroom wasn't afraid to set a limit because he wanted his son's approval. It looks to me like his son didn't follow his directives because the dad didn't follow through on his limit. He had trained his child to ignore him. And he most likely finished the evening with shouting or smacking, which decrease the child's respect and connection, and therefore decrease future cooperation.
Does setting empathic limits sound like a lot of work? It is, in the beginning. It would certainly be easier if kids would immediately comply with our every directive with no questions asked.
But the good news is that following these practices consistently not only raises a self-disciplined child; it also raises a child who knows you'll follow through, so he doesn't need to be asked five times to do something. Which makes it a whole lot easier to get him into the bathtub.
