5 Tips for Parents Concerned About a Child's Substances Use

Teenagers have always presented themselves as invincible and confident in their knowledge of how the world works. Drugs and alcohol may not be a defining characteristic of this generation, but illicit substances certainly play a role in their lives. This is, after all, a group of young people that has difficulty with delayed gratification, which means these teens often can't tolerate waiting for things. They often look for the fastest solution to problems, not the best, and many teens truly believe that nothing bad will happen to them if they use substances, despite evidence to the contrary. Their desire for quick answers leads them to act without thinking things through, or to disregard their own conscience if they think about what they're about to do.

1. Pay attention to who your children’s friends are.

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One thing I've learned in all my years working with teenagers is that parents are not always good judges of which friends are the responsible ones. Time and time again parents will tell me which of their child's friends they trust and then their teen will come into my office and laugh because they say the friend their parents think is so responsible in fact drinks or smokes more than anyone else. It is important for parents to remember that the friendliest and most socially competent child isn't always the one following the rules.

I wish I could tell you how to know who is trustworthy and who is not, but it’s really hard to figure out. The best thing is to be around your child and their friends in social situations. When you get the chance observe how they interact with each other, and other adults. If it feels like they are hiding a lot about their life, then it is important to pay more attention to what they are doing and telling you. Providing rides or opening your house for them to hang out socially is a great way to do this.

2. Try to learn the lingo they use.

Parents should also be aware of the names that kids use when talking about drugs. Most of us are familiar with the mainstream drug references like “pot” or “weed” for marijuana but there are a lot of new drugs, many of them synthetic, that kids can actually find in liquor stores and head shops. Children often discuss substances like K2, spice, salvia, bath salts, molly, and a host of others in front of adults, because the adults simply don't know what they're talking about. There are also new devices that kids are using to assist them in getting high. Vape pens, e-pens, e-cigs, pipettes, bongs, and other devices are sometimes hard for parents to identify. It is a regular occurrence for parents to bring devices into my office that they have found in their child’s room or backpack. The internet can help you learn nicknames of drugs and quickly identify the devices. One child had an order of glass pipettes delivered to his house which were easily purchased online. The parents saw the delivery and assumed it was for a chemistry assignment.

3. Pay attention to what is going on in your community.

You should continually stay informed about who your child's friends are, where they spend most of their time, and what is going on in the community. Make an effort to check in with your children and keep an open mind regarding what you hear. I always suggest that parents talk to other parents in their community who have kids about the same age. Hearing what other parents are concerned about or have learned from their kids is an important parenting tool. It's a powerful message to them when they know you're interested in what is going on in their lives, whether or not they ultimately share anything with you. If you are lucky, they will tell you about what the “other kids” are doing.

4. Substance use sometimes occurs among great kids who are self-medicating.

In my family therapy practice, I see a lot of kids who are responsible, doing well in school, respectful to adults, and pretty open with their parents. But even those kids are exposed to drug and alcohol use and may not always be immune to the temptations. Remember, it is not uncommon for people to use an illicit substance to help them cope with stress. People who are feeling withdrawn might look for something to give them a little boost of energy, and those with social phobias have been known to drink alcohol or take other depressants as a way of dealing with their nerves around others. We probably all know someone who takes a pill before they fly on a plane or speaks in front of a crowd to help with anxiety. The concept of self-medicating is also appealing to teens because it's easy. They have a problem, they don't have confidence they can deal with it, and there's a quick way to avoid the problem and feel better. Yet kids only think about what the substance can do for them, not what it is doing to them. What might feel great one night may actually impact the rest of their lives, and in a way that is slow enough that they fail to see the link.

5. Watch for dramatic changes in behavior.

Finally, as a parent, you want to watch for changes in your child’s behavior as a potential marker for substance use. Sudden weight gain or weight loss, a change in friend groups, an increase in lying, and aggressive behavior may all indicate that there is something going on with them that needs your attention. It won’t always be substance use, but these signs are a signal that there is probably turmoil in their life and an indication that they need you to pay attention to them a little closer than usual. Seeking professional help if you become worried about your child is an important first step. Pediatricians and school counselors are great sources of information and can guide you to the appropriate professional support.