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Relationships
5 Essential but Uncommon Pieces of Relationship Wisdom
5. There are few things worth fighting about, and we avoid them.
Posted August 31, 2023 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Emotional dynamics from our family of origin play out in our adult love relationships.
- Considering where we came from is critical to where we are going in love relationships.
- Withdrawal is a form of emotional detachment that can be very damaging to a relationship.
Relationship wisdom is like diet advice, most of it sounds good, but it doesn’t work. Here is the real thing gleaned from my many years of treating couples:
1. Very often the initial attraction—what draws you to your lover—becomes, some years later, the basis for divorce.
Remember that guy that you chose because he appeared to be the pillar of strength that was going to bring stability to your life? You married him and after a few years, his stability bored you to tears.
In your next marriage, you overcorrected and married a lunatic. Crazy, but exciting. That one didn’t last either. Both of those endings were based on the beginnings.
The third marriage was the charm, he was not the strong, silent type, but not freaky either, somewhere between the two. You didn’t start by adoring him, you took your time and let the relationship inhabit you. It has become a lasting love.
2. The adaptive behavior we learn in our childhood—the behaviors that help us survive in our family of origin—turns out to be exactly what interferes with our adult love relationships.
Your parents used to fight and maybe even brawled. Your survival tactic was to stay out of the way, to be seen, not heard, or else the wrath might turn in your direction. Now, as an adult, you’re confrontation-avoidant to the point of having the lumpiest rug in the neighborhood. You don’t deal with anything, and your love partner has one foot out the door due to all those issues you avoid.
3. Lovers only have one fight throughout their relationship.
Sure, you may have many fights, but it’s all centered on one theme, even though it appears to be about all kinds of different issues. The good news is that if you figure out what it’s about, you’ll solve not one, but a ton of disagreements. Hint: The underlying theme is an unresolved emotional issue from your childhood home.
4. Where you came from is where you are likely to go.
As much as we may try to avoid it, most of us recreate a dynamic from our family of origin and play it out, usually with a degree of grief in our adult love relationship. Replaying happens because it is “nature’s” way of giving us another chance to resolve unfinished childhood issues—and we all have them.
Certainly, there is a challenge because the dynamic in our adult love relationship resonates with a sensitive dynamic from our childhood, but when it works, and the old wound is healed by an ongoing adult love relationship, it creates a lasting glow.
Not you? Wait. What you’ll find is you’ll pick, project, or provoke some major issue from your family of origin. Picking occurs when you have an almost uncanny sense of familiarity with someone you’re just getting to know; the familiarity is because the person has some characteristics of your parents.
Projecting is when you shout at your partner (or whisper to yourself), “You’re just like my father, mean and self-centered.”
It may take some time for you to feel that, or maybe you won’t. But not to worry, it is only one way the family dynamic may come into your marriage. It will show up, but it may be as simple as the person you pick. You won’t need to project, it will be right there, in time. Or you may provoke your partner to play into a key dynamic from your family of origin.
As for provoking, let me tell you a little story. A little boy’s parents split, and his single mother becomes overbearing, constantly monitoring him. Years later, he marries someone who is in her own world, perfect for him. He wants a wife, but he wants distance too.
He’s had enough of being closely monitored. What does he do, he has an affair and leaves a graphic sex letter around that his wife ends up seeing. Within an instant, his wife becomes like his mother, overbearing.
Oh, you think it’s a coincidence? Wrong. Replaying happens because it is “nature’s” way of giving us another chance to resolve unfinished childhood issues—and we all have them.
5. There are very few issues between lovers that are truly worthy of confrontation, and those are usually avoided.
A vibrant relationship requires sharing your inner life. It is a heart-to-heart affair. Unfortunately, instead of fighting for this intimacy, when you disclose yourself and get shot down, too often you withdraw. Don’t step back. Step forward.
Speak up, and ask to be validated, it is not agreement; it is a statement that respects the speaker’s feelings. Your love life depends on it. Withdrawal is the kiss of death in a love partnership.
Facebook image: Andrii Nekrasov/Shutterstock
