How to Navigate the Confusing Communication of Modern Love

Source: Unsplash by Joseph Marrufo

"I love you." Three words that when spoken by the right person can sound magical. But wait, what does that actually mean? Does it mean the same thing to the person saying it as to the person hearing it? Maybe, but maybe not, and yet rarely do people think to ask.

Modern love and the process of dating to get there has seemingly gotten more and more confusing. Despite a greater abundance of potential partners than ever, making a connection often seems harder than it should. In part, this is because nobody seems to know what anyone means anymore.

Human beings rely on mental heuristics in order to process information. We like patterns and templates because they help us understand what to expect and what is expected of us. When we go to the movie theater, we like to know that first we choose a movie, then buy the ticket, then buy the popcorn, and then we sit down and watch it. If one day you showed up to the theater and someone told you that you have to choose a seat first, then buy your popcorn, then get a ticket without even knowing what movie you want to see, you would feel super frustrated and confused.

When we know what to expect, we feel calmer and more able to relax, so we can enjoy an experience. When we feel confusion, that can elevate our anxiety and fear. But relying solely on templates for trying to understand the behavior of others can lead to a lot of misunderstanding.

We all have preferences for how we want to be treated in relationships. A lot of these preferences are based on your personal experiences, learning, and expectations which become your private rule book or template for how you believe someone should treat you. This personal rule book becomes a set of assumptions for how we think things should unfold. Often, people make the mistake of believing that other people are operating with a similar set of rules. As a result, we use our own rule book to try and interpret someone else’s words and behavior.

The reality, however, is that everyone’s personal rule book is a little bit different. Because rule books are formulated based on our experiences, the people around us tend to share similar rules and thus we come to believe that our rules are right or accepted by most. We also inherently self-select to spend time with people whose rule books are similar to our own, because what’s familiar is comfortable.

The assumption that other people share our rules is where so much of communication goes wrong. When you try to form a relationship with someone who has a different rule book, it’s a bit like one is playing tennis and the other is playing baseball. You are both swinging at a ball, but the confusion and frustration caused by trying to play by different sets of expectations and rules will make it hard for either one of you to enjoy the game.

When someone behaves in a way that violates your rules or expectations, you may interpret their behavior as mistreatment. This may or may not be an unfounded assumption. Just because someone doesn’t always treat you according to your preferences, doesn’t necessarily mean you are being treated badly.

The reality is you and your date may just be playing from different rule books. If you expect your date to pay and they don’t offer to do so, it doesn’t necessarily mean that their intention is to disrespect you or treat you poorly, it just means that you have different ideas about how dating happens.

In today’s world between travel and the internet, we often meet people who are outside our usual social circles. This can be exciting and interesting, but it can make the rule book gap even bigger. Should you eliminate everyone who doesn’t follow your dating template? This depends on your own tolerance and capacity to adapt, and how many other positives you see in the person. If your date, is fun, sweet, sexy and kind, should you give up on them because they didn’t make plans with you three days in advance, text immediately after your date, or send you flowers on your birthday?

There is a lot of dating advice out there that says that if a person doesn’t do x, y, or z, then they’re obviously just not that into you. This kind of advice is based on a dating template that is intended to help people not get hurt or waste their time. But people are more complex than any simple template can explain and adhering to this kind of advice without checking your assumptions, can lead to a lot of misunderstandings and missed connections.

So, instead of only relying on dating templates or personal rule books to understand what’s happening, I would suggest a more nuanced assessment so you can better understand their behavior and what it might be communicating, as well as yourself.

Below are some ways you can gain a deeper understanding of a situation that will go beyond mental templates.

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1. Listen to your intuition. One of the most important things you can do is learn to listen to your intuition. An intuitive feeling is the result of a lot of mental processing that takes place at a rapid subconscious level. Intuitive emotions are usually subtle, while reactive emotions are usually big, so it’s important to learn the difference. Meditation can help you get more in touch with your intuitive emotions. When you quiet your mind, you will start to notice the subtle feelings and deeper sense of knowing that remain.

A good way to gain access to your intuitive mind in any situation, is to sit quietly and ask yourself some questions. Yes or no questions can be good for surfacing emotion. Is this situation right for me? Is this person good for me? Does this person seem to be someone of integrity? Open-ended questions are good for allowing your mind to generate thoughts that will help you gain more insight. What information do I need to help me have clarity? How can I get to a place of self-trust instead of fear?

2. Be aware of emotional baggage. Everyone brings past experiences, different attachment styles and other emotional history into a relationship, which affects the way they communicate. Be mindful of your own emotional triggers and sensitivities and recognize that your partner may also have their own.

We’re often attracted to people who have reciprocal emotional injuries. That means each person’s baggage can often be the trigger for the other. One person’s desire for space can be a bid for safety if they grew up in a chaotic or overly enmeshed family, while it can be interpreted as a threat to their partner who may have had an emotionally distant parent.

Realize that you and the person you’re seeing may respond entirely differently to the same situations. Understanding the source of emotional responses can help foster empathy and create a more supportive communication environment.

3. Ask others, but be careful with their advice. The most natural thing in the world to do when you’re feeling confused is to turn to the people who love and care about you to get their opinions. While the perspective of your friends and family can at times really help you see things you aren’t seeing, you always have to keep in mind that they can only assess a situation via their own templates. Their templates are probably very similar to your own, and their job is to protect you, which means they aren’t actually very objective. It can be especially, easy to assume bad intent of someone they don’t know, so take their opinions as a data point but recognize this data might be pretty skewed.

4. Be careful of labels. Terms like narcissist, avoidant, benching, stashing, and ghosting are labels people hear a lot in today’s dating world. What these labels do is they give you a template that allows you to categorize certain types of behavior, what they don’t do is give you the why that explains the reason someone engages in this behavior. In an effort to understand someone’s behavior it is easy to want to label and assume that if it fits the category, it must be bad. Assuming that the same why applies to everyone with the same behavior is dangerously false.

5. Communicate softly. The only way to understand anyone’s words or actions is to communicate with them about it. But how you communicate is everything. When someone has hurt you, the natural response is anger, but communicating from that place can do more damage than good. Accusations will elicit defensive and withdrawing behavior. Gentle and kind communication will facilitate trust, openness, and emotional intimacy.

Recognize that your responsibility in a relationship isn’t just to understand the other person, but to communicate in a way that also allows them to understand you. If something is bothering you don’t bottle it up, this creates distance and mistrust. Instead, be ok asking for what you want. How the other person responds will give you loads of clarifying information. If they are dismissive and unwilling to engage, or they make the effort to listen and understand, each of those behaviors speaks volumes.

Most importantly, try to communicate from a place of self-trust instead of fear. This changes everything. Self-trust happens when you have the courage to take care of yourself. If your communication starts from a place of self-care, the other person’s response isn’t going to make or break you, it’s simply going to inform you of what you need to do to take care of you.