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Key points
- The support you get from your friends isn't always in your best interest.
- The type of support you get from your friends depends on the type of story you tell them.
- Expressing what you want is more likely to get you support that can help you move you in a positive direction.
We all think of our besties as the people who give us support and get us through difficult times in life. If you’re having a bad day, nothing feels better than calling a friend to whom you can vent. And any good friend knows that support and validation is a part of their job. But herein lies the problem.
You communicate the events of your life to others in the form of stories about things that happen. All the events that happen to us in life that cause any kind of significant emotion can be divided into one of two categories: Things you want and things you don’t want. Breakups, job loss, betrayal, the death of a loved one—all things you don’t want. Pets, birthday parties, getting a raise—all things you do want. Things you don’t want cause negative emotions, while things you do want generate positive emotions.
You are likely to seek the most support around the events that generate negative emotions, and as a result, the stories you share often come from the perspective of what you don’t like or don’t want in your life.
The support and feedback you get from your friends is significant because it shapes your own perspective and can influence your choice of actions for how to handle a situation.
But when a well-intentioned friend provides support and validation for a story about something you don’t want in your life, they may be reinforcing a perspective that isn’t in your best interest.
What would be in your best interest is getting support for the things you do want. You, however, are the one who determines the type of support you get, based on the story you tell.
Example:
Support for something you don’t want:
Friend: How are you today?
You: Lousy! My boyfriend is such a jerk. We had a huge fight last night because I had to ask him five times to take out the trash.
Friend: That’s too bad. You’re right, he sounds like a total jerk.
You: Isn’t he though? I’m glad you agree. Do you think I should leave him?
Friend: Maybe, a guy that acts like a jerk doesn’t deserve you.
vs.
Support for something you do want:
Friend: How are you today?
You: Last night was really tough because my boyfriend and I had a big argument, but I want our relationship to work so I’m trying to be a better communicator
Friend: The fight sounds stressful but it’s obvious you really care about him if you’re willing to work so hard on the relationship.
You: Well sometimes he acts like a jerk, but he has a lot of good qualities and usually he makes me happy.
Friend: He sounds like a good guy, I’m glad you found someone you really like.
Telling a story about what you do want doesn’t mean you can’t speak your truth. If you’re having a lousy day, you don’t have to lie and say you’re having a great one. You can state your truth—just don’t stop there. Finish, with what you do want for the situation. I had a lousy day, but I feel like a nice dinner and some company would help me feel better.
Gaining support from others on the things you want in your life can be critical to your success, but it depends on you expressing what it is you want. Next time you find yourself in vent mode, ask yourself: Am I telling a story about something I want or don’t want?
