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Very recently, my friend Aysha died suddenly in her apartment in Spain. She wasn’t ill, and she had many plans for the future. Everyone was shocked and there was an outpouring of emails from people she had befriended all over the world. They were full of love, admiration, and gratitude for their friend who died way too young.
The writer George Eliot famously wrote: “Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.” This made me wonder about how people want to be remembered when they are gone, and I began to ask people I know and those I met at home or during my travels.
I was surprised that at least half of the people I asked said they would be gone, and they didn’t care about how or if they were remembered. I certainly respected their responses, but was intrigued by the ones who did reply.
Jean Pierre, who lives in France, said, “I try to think about that, especially when I behave poorly to someone. I don’t mean to do it, but I have a temper that ignites easily and sometimes I have said things I shouldn’t have. Then I have left someone with a bad memory of me. Maybe the person will forget it, or maybe they will carry my anger for the rest of their lives.”
Inger, who is Norwegian, said, “I want to be remembered for my sense of humor. Sometimes I wonder if humor is appropriate when people are sad, but they often thank me for lightening their mood. My father was also funny, and it’s what I remember and miss most about him.”
Stefan, a German artist, replied, “I hope my paintings live longer than I do. I imagine that people hang them in their houses and when they pass by, they remember what I have painted, which is really who I am.”
I was asking her mother the question when six-year-old Rose answered, “I can turn around more than three times and not get dizzy.” I burst out laughing, loving her freshness and in-the-moment response.
Two sisters from Chicago, 19 and 22 years old, had very different thoughts. The teen said, “I don’t want to be remembered for cheating on a test. I know no one saw me, but I still feel guilty about it.” The 22-year-old remarked, “I want people to remember that I was a lot of fun and they had good times with me.”
Tanga was very reflective before they finally answered, “I haven’t accomplished anything yet that I want to be remembered for. I have a job and I don’t really like it and I know I should change it but I haven’t been able to do it because I can’t figure out what I really want to do. It makes me depressed. I know I want to help people, and if I can do that, then I can say I want to be remembered for helping them.”
Millie, who is British, didn’t hesitate before replying, “I hope they remember that I was a kind human and contributed to people’s well-being.”
Personally, I think that the idea of being remembered by people inspires me to be my best self. I have no control over what people think, now or in the future, but I can imagine that good words and deeds are not quickly forgotten.
