Could Adding New Partners Help a Couple Find Happiness?

“It’s not just that Eloise died young.” Eve's shoulders hunch over as she and Eddie sit facing one another knee-to-knee to start their couple session. “At her funeral, it became so clear to me that her co-teaching my Shakespeare course made it sparkle. She also sparkled in her life. She lived it like a Shakespearean play.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Eddie leans in toward Eve.

“Her life was full of light. Colors. Passion.” Eve looks back at Eddie.

“Mmm. I don’t know exactly what you mean.” Eddie pauses. “But I noticed the three guys who spoke at her funeral…as such ‘good friends.’ They lived in Boston, Palo Alto, and where? Atlanta? She sure traveled a lot —”

“She was promoting her last poetry book —“ Eve interrupts.

“— but Covid is still around. As we were driving home…I don’t know…I got this terrible uneasy feeling.” Eddie pauses. “How exactly ‘close’ was she to those guys?”

“Very close,” Eve says. “From the stories she told me.”

“‘Very close,’ huh?” Eddie leans further in his chair. “Do you mean they were romantic partners?”

Silence. Eve looks to the side, not returning Eddie’s look. I remain silent and wait.

Finally, Eve says, “You are critical of her. Or maybe of her relationships with her men friends. But to me, her life always sounded rich and adventurous. She and Henri had a committed relationship. Yet she came and went as she pleased. He was fine with that.“

“How could he be?!! What are you saying? What do you want?” Eddie now looks intently at Eve.

“Well…” Eve now looks at him. “I love you. I love our kids. I love my job, too. I mean, teaching college students is always full of new ideas and challenges…of struggles, and conflicts too. I like all that swirl of stuff. But…I feel like I’m more an observer than a partaker.” Eve licks her lips. “We celebrated your 50th birthday last year. And mine is coming up in 2 years. I mean, I think, wow, we’re a half-century old.”

They are both silent. It feels like a heavy silence. “What do you hear Eve saying?” I ask Eddie.

“Well. You sound unhappy. You’re unhappy with me." Eddie sits back in his chair.

“Mmm-m-m. Is this all about you?“ I ask. “Try the PACT [Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy] walk…around to the other side of the mountain. What do you see and hear from Eve’s perspective?”

“I hate when you ask me those questions.” Eddie turns to half smile at me. To Eve, he says, “Sounds like you want to escape from your life. That you’re bored.” Eddie pauses. ‘What I really feel…really feel underneath…is that I’m not enough for you.”

Eve looks down at her hands. She twirls her wedding ring. She seems not to notice the pain in Eddie’s voice. “I recall watching them lower Eloise’s coffin into that gaping hole. I thought, so this is it. The end. Then I thought, what if one of us dies? What do we have to say for ourselves? Was our life worth it?” Eve stops.

Silence. Eddie’s foot is tapping rapidly on the floor. He can’t sit still. “I know you ask those existential questions. But but, it sounds to me like you want a new man in your life. Or men, like Eloise had.”

“I’m not meaning to hurt your feelings.” Now Eve notices his pain. “But I think I’m saying I want more in my life. In our life together.” Pause. “We need to open up our lives.”

Eddie cocks his head to one side. “Do you mean ‘open up’ our marriage? Are you saying you want to have sex with other men?”

They look at one another. I hold my breath. My flash thought is to marvel at how couples don’t usually say what they mean. So much of couples therapy is to help partners feel it, think it, then actually say it. Whatever the ‘it’ may be. Here Eddie takes an educated guess at Eve’s layers of nuance.

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“Well, yes. Maybe.” Eve says carefully. “Is this something you’d consider?”

Eddie laughs nervously. Maybe he's a bit relieved to stop guessing. “This is a bit beyond my pay grade. At least I understand better what upset you as we drove home from Eloise’s funeral.” He pauses but continues softly tapping his foot. “So are you looking to leave me?” This has always been Eddie’s greatest fear.

“No. No.” Eve startles out of some inner reverie. "I’ve told you. I want more excitement…passion…in our lives. Being with other people could be fun. But of course, we’d have to agree. Can we talk about how we might do that?”

To me, Eve’s voice sounds flat. Maybe constricted in her attempt to manage her emotions? My own heart is pounding in anticipation, as I wonder if Eve is referring to polyamory. It falls under the 'open relationship' umbrella. The more technical term is ethical, or consensual, non-monogamy.

I say, “Sounds to me like you need to agree if this is a conversation you both want to have.”

Eddie and Eve sit quietly and look at one another. I wonder: Will this be safe or dangerous territory for them to explore?

After the session, I think slowly. Eve looks very ready for a discussion about bringing new partners into their relationship, including sex. But is Eddie ready to discuss this, let alone put a plan into action? It takes a very careful conversation—more like a negotiation—for a couple to agree to a poly- or multi-amorous structure to their relationship. The more solid their relationship, the more potential for satisfaction for all. Trust is already established, and issues around jealousy, transparency, sharing time etc. can be more readily negotiated. Will they approach this from a PACT “secure functioning” couple perspective—i.e., as a team, that frames what’s good for both, not just one of them? Will they walk around to the other’s side of the mountain, to see and hear the other’s perspective?