The Shadows of Lost Dreams in Matters of the Heart

A lost dream may refer to a hope, a desire, or an acquisition that is, or seems to be, beyond our reach. Although lost dreams may apply to various goals, to strivings, or to the process of adapting to an unexpected turn in life, lost dreams also involve relationships. These lost dreams may refer to the dissolution of a perceived “forever” relationship, an insurmountable obstacle that interferes with what had been envisioned, or an inability to overcome relational challenges. In any case, we grieve our lost dreams and opportunities.

Close friendships, marriages, partnerships, and various romantic entanglements involve strong attachment bonds. The bonds we once experienced with someone can become a ghost that haunts us when we lose the dream of eternal union. Everyday moments of sorrow and joy that were once shared and formed the foundation of a relationship now seem to be an unshared burden.

Feelings of Regret

Researchers maintain that perceptions of lost opportunity are most likely to elicit feelings of regret (Beike, Markman & Karaodogan, 2009). Indeed, many lost dreams contain regret about what we have done or what we should have done to maintain a bond. Regret is a cognitive response to loss—what we believe is the cause of our lost dream or opportunity. Regret represents internal feedback about our past behavior, and the shame of regret may be a typical emotional response. When we experience the shame of regret, we are motivated to temporarily alter memories by imagining what might have been had we taken a different path or if we had seized an opportunity (Nathanson, 1992).

Regrets inform us of a failure to live up to our ideals, over and above the mistakes we have made (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018). In the long run, we regret our inactions more than our actions, so regret lingers where opportunity exists and where we have missed tangible prospects for change, growth, and renewal (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018; Roese & Summerville, 2005). Despite how uncomfortable regrets and unfinished business may feel, they represent internal feedback about our past behavior. The cognitive process known as counterfactual thinking has to do with our assessment of an outcome compared to what would have been gained or lost had we made a different decision (Zeelenberg et al., 1998). We mentally simulate other outcomes of past events by considering hypothetical alternatives (C. G. Davis et al., 1995). These are the shadows of our lost dreams.

We may wonder how something might have been different if we had acted otherwise. Sometimes we wish we had done a particular thing or refrained from taking some action; other times, we sense that we left something unsaid (Bonanno et al., 2004; FitzGibbon et al., 2021; Klingspon et al., 2015; Torges et al., 2008). Regret contains a strong motivational lure in that we cannot keep ourselves from considering alternatives (FitzGibbon et al., 2021).

Learning for the Future

Although we cannot erase the past, considering our choices and the alternative possibilities can help us learn something for the future and positively shape us. We may, however, ignore the lessons we can learn from lost dreams and opportunities. We may instead cope with or defend against the shame we feel by attacking the other, attacking ourselves, or through withdrawal or avoidance (Nathanson, 1992).

What good comes from reviewing lost dreams or from dwelling on past decisions or missed opportunities? If we can learn something from reviewing our past experiences, they are more likely to become neutralized and no longer so painful. Ruminating about them is different and perhaps maladaptive. Emotions and memories alert us to opportunities, problems, and what’s happening around us as we traverse the present and prepare for the future. As we grieve our lost dreams, our goal is to learn.

(Excerpted in part from my book, Grief Isn't Something to Get Over: Finding a Home for Memories and Emotions After Losing a Loved One.)