Winter Whispers: Four Ways to Cope with Year-End Grief

This is a time traditionally associated with joy and togetherness. Yet distress and loneliness may consume us during festive seasons, triggered by memories of people who are now absent from our lives or activated by the recollection of lost dreams.

Memories contain painful reminders of irretrievable joy. When positive emotional memories and imagery are aroused, reminding us of someone we no longer have in our lives, we may again mourn a loss. If we had expected things to be different now, we might experience a sense of missed opportunities, crushed aspirations, or disappointment. Regret lingers where opportunity existed and where we have missed tangible prospects for change, growth, and renewal (Davidai & Gilovich, 2018; Roese & Summerville, 2005). Indeed, the experience of grief involves a comparison of the present with the contents of our memories and dreams. We grieve because we remember when things were different, whether in reality or anticipated.

The silent echoes of holiday grief are innumerable. Recalling enjoyable moments with a departed person—a mother’s smile, a father’s hug, a lover’s resonance, or a child’s laughter—may remind us of what we miss. Memories activated by situations, places, or circumstances—the magic of the season, the smells and tastes of certain foods, or hearing a song —may draw attention to the deceased or a lost loved one and the positive emotions we recall sharing with them. Activating the gist of a memory can make us aware of feelings and sensations associated with someone who is no longer in our lives or the dreams that remain unfulfilled, even without our conscious awareness of why we are experiencing those feelings or sensations at a given moment.

Grief is uniquely personal. Responses to loss are as distinctive as the individuals who experience them. There may be some generalizable similarities and patterns among people, but there is no template for the grief experience. Our memories and our relationship to the deceased or to any loss we have experienced, along with the culture and environment in which we were raised, influence how we respond and adjust.

How Do We Cope?
When the silent echoes of grief overtake us, how do we cope? Here are four suggestions, though you may have some of your own that have helped you through the season.

1. Divert from your ordinary year-end routine: Change how you decorate the tree, alter what you may cook or bake, or attend religious services at a place of worship different from where you have gone in the past. Creating a different routine may reduce the memories that are activated.

2. Acknowledge and accept your sadness or longing: Recognize your feelings as a natural part of the human experience of loss. Acceptance is a recognition that, despite our losses and feeling lost, we still have the power to be safe, control, problem-solve, participate in life, and partake in giving. We can perceive our feelings, live them, and accept them as an indication of what is happening now. However, if a heavy mood persists beyond the season, seeking support from family, friends, or a mental health professional may be helpful.

3. Interrupt your mood with distractions: The intent of distraction is not to avoid what you feel; instead, it is a coping mechanism that can provide temporary and much-needed relief. Tackle cleaning a closet or organizing a workspace. Gather items you no longer want or use and donate them to a charity or organization.

4. Have hope: Hope is a sense of trust that good feelings are still possible as you continue your bonds with loved ones through memory and that your dreams can remain. Since adapting to changed circumstances may lead to a sense of being lost in indecision, anticipate what you want for the future and make interim plans. Ask yourself what you want in the future that is achievable. Prospective memory aligns with hope as a pathway for our thoughts about the future, providing a sense of agency and motivating us to consider alternative routes to reach our goals (Snyder, Irving, & Anderson, 1991). Having hope means learning from challenges we encounter in life, guided by our memories of a deceased loved one or informed by our lost dreams, projecting what we learn onto an anticipated future that has meaning for us.

[Excerpted in part from, Grief Isn’t Something to Get Over: Finding a Home for Memories and Emotions After Losing a Loved One.]