Men Can Be Caretakers Too

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Men are generally taught to feel physically and financially responsible for women, to protect them from harm, and to provide for their physical needs. Everyday examples include men doing the yard work and repairs around the house and earning enough money so their partner "doesn't have to work" and their kids can "have whatever they need." Most often, it is the man in a heterosexual couple who gets up in the middle of the night whenever something needs to be investigated or taken care of unless the children are the reason for getting up because the children are the women's responsibility.

Taking care of their partners helps many men feel good about themselves. Acts of service are the love language that these men are most familiar with and comfortable with. They feel good about themselves when they are able to take care of their partners successfully because they've been taught that this is an important part of their job as the man in the relationship. For most men, this is one of the primary ways they saw their dad express his love to their mom. Taking care of their partners also gives men enhanced status with other men. Men judge each other by the extent they provide for their family's physical needs and desires. For example, when a woman shows up with a new car, that reflects positively on the man.

One of the primary ways in which men are taught to feel responsible for women is financially. This is a somewhat dated idea, but men still worry that women evaluate potential partners largely on whether they will be a "good provider." Women will forgive a man a surprising number of faults, but he is generally expected to provide. Men feel this pressure from their partner's expectations about income and lifestyle and the culture's evaluation of them by how well they provide.

Similarly, men can also be threatened by their partner's professional accomplishments and capabilities. As women gradually break through at least some of the glass ceilings, men are confused and threatened by their loss of unchallenged privilege in the workplace. Women understand this and are taught to dumb themselves down, that if they let men know how smart they are, it will scare them off. The old saying, "men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses," is a statement about men's fears of women being smarter than they are rather than a fashion caution.

This is a bit of a double bind for men because, although they may be married to smart, competent women who are quite capable of doing their part to support the family financially, men are expected, and expect themselves, to carry the burden alone. It is a sign of status for a man to say that his partner "doesn't have to work," meaning that he provides adequately for the family and does not need anyone's help. Men's anxieties about losing their protective privilege and being professionally or financially surpassed are justifiably intensifying. Women understand this and know that being too successful risks them being perceived by their partner not as a helpful reduction in financial pressure but as a threat.

Many years ago, when my children were young, I came home from a weekend retreat at which my colleagues and I talked in depth about money and work-life balance. I asked my children how they would feel if I were to work more, be home less often, and earn more money. They looked at me like that was the stupidest question they had ever heard. Why in the world would any child want their father home less often?

I realized at that moment that the burden I had been operating under to "be a good provider" was largely of my own creation. Although I told myself I was working so hard for them, they were oblivious and couldn't care less. I don't think my kids would have liked it if I quit my job and we lost the house, but my powerful drive to be successful was more about my fear of disappointing them than any expectation on their part.

This post is excerpted from Hidden in Plain Sight: How Men's Fears of Women Shape Their Intimate Relationships (2021, Lasting Impact Press).