The Problems of Modern Families: Freedom and Responsibility

"Power corrupts." —Lord Acton

In today's rapidly changing society, we have noticed that various new parenting styles have emerged, reflecting different beliefs and values around this role. One of the most common patterns is what we call the democratic-permissive pattern, which emphasizes the absence of hierarchies within the family unit. This democratic pattern of parenting, emphasizes equality, negotiation, and open communication within the family unit, which is to be lauded. However, just like anything in life, if taken to excess it can create certain challenges. These difficulties often arise when the balance between freedom and responsibility is not carefully maintained by parents. The consequences and implications of this pattern presented here highlight potential areas of concern for parents seeking to foster healthy family dynamics.

Formation and Ideology

The democratic-permissive pattern arises from ideological foundations established in our families of origin or through our adolescent experiences, especially if we join or engage in certain social, political, and cultural groups. This particular form of caregiving and family dynamic rejects authoritarianism and rightly so. The formation stage of the couple, before they have children, often involves the negotiation of wide margins of freedom for both partners, with equal economic situations and shared domestic responsibilities.

Preconditions for the Pattern

• Actions and behaviours: Actions should be motivated by conviction and consent rather than imposition.
• Dialogue and Consensus: Consent is obtained through open dialogue based on valid and sensible, reasoned arguments. Any member's disagreement has the power to block decisions, potentially leading to difficulties in reaching a consensus.
• Agreement on Rules: Rules are established through negotiation, ensuring fairness and balance.
• Preventing Power Abuse: Negotiation acts as a countermeasure against the excesses of power abuse.
• Harmony at all costs: The primary objective is to achieve harmony and minimize conflict.
• Equal Rights: All family members possess the same rights within the household.

Flexibility and Surrender

A pattern such as this fosters flexible interactions within the couple, where complementary roles and abilities are seen to be embraced by both. However, when conflicts arise or an escalation looms, the pattern may result in a surrendering by one of the couple, usually the one less inclined to communicate upset, argue, or confront. This surrendering pattern, unintentionally chosen to maintain "family peace" can become a precursor to complications for the couple when children enter the picture. It is also worth noting that in an attempt to appear modern and in touch with their children's interests, parents may mimic their children's style of dress, and music preferences, and can even engage in similar activities, one need only attend a rock concert to see the demographic spread. However, this imitation can blur hierarchies and confuse roles for children and can potentially compromise parental credibility and opportunity to support their children during challenging times, especially in adolescence.

The Risks of Permissiveness

As children enter the family, this permissive pattern faces new challenges. Without appropriate adaptations, this pattern may inadvertently lead to excessive permissiveness, where children gain disproportionate power and influence over the family’s decision-making, I have even observed children being brought to select the family car or oversee the purchase of a new house. By admitting children to the "court" of family discussions prematurely, they may face, responsibilities they are not developmentally prepared to handle and this can create a real form of anxiety for the growing child.

Absence of Consequences

Unlike traditional democratic systems that exist in the Western world, the democratic-permissive family pattern often lacks practical consequences for rule violations. Rules are softly expressed and discussed, blurring the lines between what are rules and what constitutes advice or suggestion. This inconsistency can dangerously contribute to continuous rule and role fluctuation within the family and contaminate family relationships with role and responsibility confusion. In contrast to the ideological or theoretical notion of equality, children within the democratic-permissive pattern are typically not assigned domestic tasks. Without experiencing responsibilities or consequences for neglecting such duties, children may grow accustomed to shirking their obligations as they mature, leading to real problems in their adolescent and early adult relationships.

Tolerance of Conflict and Anxiety

In this pattern, people may exhibit a low tolerance for conflict and limited emotional regulation skills. When they are rightly exercising discipline over their children, the resulting anxiety, shame, or tension on behalf of the parents, leads to them resorting to a pattern of surrendering, to restore temporary harmony. This approach can inadvertently teach children that being more demanding, leads to greater rewards, potentially fostering a sense of entitlement and paradoxically an increase in the conflict that the parents are seeking to avoid, a truly ironic outcome.

A Better Approach

To address the challenges of the democratic-permissive pattern, parents must strike a balance between freedom and responsibility. By combining democratic values with appropriate boundaries, consistent consequences, and age-appropriate autonomy, parents can create an environment that promotes healthy growth and development in their children. The democratic-permissive pattern offers a unique approach to parenting that emphasizes equality, negotiation, and open communication. However, parents must recognize the potential pitfalls and challenges associated with this style.