Verified by 
Key points
- There are ways to keep family gatherings from degenerating among families that often fight.
- Make alliances with like-minded people if you believe someone you love will be bullied. Stand up for them.
- Accept that people are who they are. Provide opportunities for them to be their best, rather than worst selves.
- Remember that you don't have to go to or stay at any event where you are uncomfortable or mistreated.
It’s that time of year when holiday gatherings with family sometimes bring out the worst in each of us. In order to make those gatherings more enjoyable, here are six tips to help you reduce stress at difficult family events.
Maintain Boundaries
There are behaviors and conversations that work for you and those that do not. Be clear before the event that you will engage in particular ways and not in others. It’s OK, for example, to choose not to drink at an event, even if others are drinking. It’s perfectly acceptable not to talk about politics if you don’t want to. You don’t have to take the bait when someone tries to get you to do something you don’t want to. You get to decide what you want to do, and remember that you don’t have to be at an event. If it's too uncomfortable, either don’t go or leave early.
Avoid or Stand Up to Controversy
Some families love to fight. It seems to be the main way they communicate. You do not have to participate in any conversation you don’t like. That could mean walking away from a cousin who wants to discuss politics that you find distasteful or sitting far from an aunt who spouts bigoted views.
The flip side is that you might find yourself with an opportunity to be an ally to someone in need. It is appropriate to step in when someone is being bullied. If you have a relative or friend who is being spoken down to or demeaned, lend them your support. The worst-case scenario is you leave together and begin to build strong relationships with family members you may not know as well as you’d like.
Make Alliances Against Bullies
Many families have members who are bullies or support a dynamic in which the family system creates harm to members who are in some way different or non-conforming to expected standards. This can happen, for example, in families that have recent immigrants to this country and have different cultural norms than those born and raised in the USA. People of different generations, too, may have different ideas of accepted social norms. These different perspectives can explode at family gatherings.
If you know that someone who will come to your event is known to cause trouble, make alliances with other like-minded people before the event. If you know that your fifteen-year-old cousin hasn’t picked a university or wants to be an artist or is in some other way going to be picked on for their choices, make sure that person knows that you and others have their back. Speak up on their behalf to shut down the bully. Bullies don’t often want to come up against a pack. They prefer to isolate a lone individual they perceive as weak. Stick together and let it be known that bullying behavior isn’t tolerated.
Accept that People Are Who They Are
People are who they are. It is unlikely that anyone is going to be on their best behavior at your family event; They are going to be themselves. All of their foibles and shortcomings are going to come with them. If you know the people you’re going to be around, play to their strengths and do your best to diffuse opportunities for them to be at their worst. If an uncle has a hard time saying no to a drink, perhaps don’t start pulling out the beer at 10 am. If an aunt is at her best when she’s in the kitchen fussing over the turkey, let her be in the kitchen with the bird. If your sibling loves to put on dance routines, let them choreograph a routine with all the kids and put it on TikTok. If you give people opportunities to show their best side, they might do just that.
Limit Time Spent with the Most Difficult People
Some people just rub us wrong. No one is required to like everyone to whom they are related or who are invited to a family event. Limit the time you spend with those people. They likely don’t like you much, either. When you have to interact, be polite, but move on as soon as you can. It will be a relief to everyone. Besides, you likely don’t see some of these people often, so spend your time how you want to, with the people you like most.
Leave the Past Alone
It’s tempting for people to bring up past grievances at current events. Choose to leave the past in the past. You’re going to be together for only a few hours. This event is not the time or place to bring up past hurts. If they need to be discussed, ask that the aggrieved parties make an appointment to do so at a more appropriate time. If all else fails, walk away and remove yourself from anyone who will not leave you alone.
Remember, you don’t have to be a victim of circumstance. At Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas or any other holiday dinner or activity, set boundaries and enjoy the people you care for. Let the rest pass you by. In doing so, you will open space for a wonderful and loving family gathering.
