Is Your Boss Gaslighting You?

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Do you suspect that your supervisor is gaslighting you? If the person who supervises you persistently behaves in ways that cause you to question what’s real or what you remember, you might be experiencing gaslighting.

Gaslighting Defined

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes you to doubt yourself and what you know. The goal of the person who uses gaslighting as a management tool is to sow self-doubt and confusion. Doing so allows them to control the employee.

Gaslighting is not a one-time event but occurs consistently over a period of time. If you are feeling confused about your job, a loss of self-esteem or confidence about your ability to do your job, or uncertainty about your mental health, you might be experiencing gaslighting. The gaslighting experience may also include questioning your memories and even your perception of reality. If your supervisor does these things and also works to create a dependency on them, gaslighting is potentially the cause.

Five Ways to Recognize Gaslighting in the Workplace

1. Memory Gaps or Misremembering

Our mind rarely fabricates whole memories. Certainly, you can misremember or forget small details of an event. You might not recall the color of a person’s shirt or you might have a vague notion the speaker was wearing stripes when they were actually wearing a paisley print. However, when we have a very clear memory of something—or perhaps even video or other recorded evidence—and another person denies your memory, that’s likely gaslighting. If this happens on multiple occasions, it is definitely gaslighting, especially if the supervisor uses the situation as evidence to characterize you as either a “liar” or “crazy.”

2. Becoming Defensive

In order to control their direct reports and others, a manager who gaslights will get defensive when confronted and try to manipulate you into believing that the issue is your fault. You may, for example, complain of inappropriate behavior or humor in the workplace. A manager who engages in gaslighting will turn the complaint around and suggest that you are the problem for lacking a thick skin or not being able to take a joke. They might even preemptively bring up the issue with human resources, by suggesting that you are not a team player or lack the communication skills necessary to be part of your team.

3. Downplaying Events

Supervisors who gaslight will downplay your experiences, especially when you become frustrated with their lies, omissions, and manipulation. They will attempt to minimize your perspective and may say things like, “You’re the only one who has a problem with this,” or “Why are you upset? This isn’t a big deal.” The gist of the interaction is that you are making things up or overreacting. To deal with this kind of gaslighting in the workplace, document each and every interaction. If nothing else, it will help you keep your sanity when you see the pattern of manipulation developing.

4. Wearing You Down

Gaslighting is effective because it is almost imperceptible at first. Small but consistent assaults on your perception of reality over time wear down anyone’s resilience. There are so many small lies and redirections of misbehavior onto the victim that the victim of gaslighting stops trying to defend against each assault. Gaslighting is consistent, and one may not notice themselves giving up. If one burns a candle, at what exact point does the candle go from being tall to being short? The supervisor who gaslights employees will do so with such consistency that the employee may not know when they stopped trying to push back against the supervisor.

5. Words Inconsistent with Actions

A manager who uses gaslighting will say one thing and do another. They might say that they value diversity in the workplace but only put forward candidates that look and sound like them. Gaslighting works when the employee wants to believe the manager’s words to the extent that they will disregard their actions. Think of politicians. They may make promises they have no intention of keeping once in office. They might even vote against legislation they promised constituents they would support. In the workplace, managers might say they are trying to obtain raises for a team as a whole or their top performers, but tell their supervisors that their team is filled with complainers and it would be best to restructure the team to eliminate the “whiners.”

Addressing Gaslighting at Work

The most effective way to deal with gaslighting in the workplace is to leave, if you are able. It’s important to protect your mental health, and it’s nearly impossible for an employee to change a supervisor’s behavior.

If you cannot leave your job, avoid the supervisor who gaslights as much as you can. When you cannot avoid them, document every interaction. Make requests and have conversations in writing whenever possible. If you are unsure of yourself, ask a trusted colleague for feedback. When you have clear documentation, bring the situation to human resources. Just remember that human resources is in place to protect the company, not the individual. You may not get the results you want from the human resources department, but using this process will help you if you are fired or there is retaliation from the person who has been gaslighting you.