Verified by 
Key points
- Embrace collaborative nonpermissive parenting for deeper connections with your children.
- Recognize that conflicts often arise from unmet needs rather than intentional defiance.
- Explore collaborative strategies to create opportunities for deeper understanding and resolution of conflicts.
Parenting can be as rewarding as it is challenging, with moments of joy, celebration, sadness, and upset. Through it all is an opportunity to grow together with our children, enhancing our connection as we go. Our hope as parents is to create a safe environment for our children to be their authentic selves, align with their internal values, and receive our love, guidance, empathic presence, and support as they navigate their lives. On that journey, we have discovered an approach that has transformed our connection and makes that intention a reality: collaborative nonpermissive parenting.
Collaborative Nonpermissive Parenting
At its heart, collaborative nonpermissive parenting is based on the principles of nonviolent communication (NVC). NVC advocates for compassion and empathy to create a unique quality of connection that genuinely cares for each other’s needs. Unlike traditional parenting styles that may rely on power dynamics or coercion, this approach prioritizes empathy, authenticity, and mutual respect.
It turns out that most conflicts, including those between parents and children, occur in the strategy sphere: Clean up the room or don’t clean up the room; get off the device or stay on the device; earlier or later bedtimes; eat vegetables or not; etc. We get attached to our desired outcomes and completely ignore what drives those behaviors—our underlying needs.
Needs are universal; we all have them. The list of needs is long and can include shelter, sustenance, discovery, partnership, mutuality, consideration, respect, ease, safety, love, autonomy, acceptance, and others. Instead of focusing solely on strategies and outcomes, collaborative nonpermissive parenting encourages parents to engage with their children on a deeper needs-based level. In doing so, we invite heartfelt exchanges that delve into genuine expression of emotions and thoughts and a safe space to share them without fear of judgment or rejection.
Empathy
This allows both parents and children to express themselves honestly and trust that they will be heard and their needs will be cared for (even if we don’t like the strategies chosen to meet needs). At the core of these conversations is empathy—the desire and ability to see another.
For example, if your child came home and shared they got an F on their math test, an empathic response may be, “I appreciate your honesty in sharing that with me. It sounds like you might be upset or worried. Can we talk about how you are feeling?” With this response, you are creating a safe space for your child to express what is going on for them. You are not trying to fix the problem, inflict your feelings or concerns, or criticize, judge, and shame them. Instead, you are trying to understand their experience and offer your presence and support.
Often, however, parents think they are offering empathy when really they are delivering sympathy, judgment, criticism, or advice. True empathy is about hearing someone else’s experience without any agenda of your own. It is important to remember that empathy does not equate to agreement. Rather, it signifies a commitment to fully understand another’s experience with care and compassion before suggesting alternative solutions. This means there will be a time to share your needs, feelings, and thoughts, but only after you have empathized and heard your child.
Why is this practice important? Because otherwise, children have two options: They can submit, or they can rebel. When they are young and dependent on their parents, they will submit because their survival relies on acceptance by and attachment to their caregivers. However, when they get old enough to take care of themselves, they often rebel. This is commonly seen in the teenage years. As children transition into adolescence and adulthood, their reliance on their parents diminishes and they seek the autonomy and independence they have suppressed during their years of submission. This often leads to conflict and disconnection. Does this sound familiar?: “Overnight my perfect little angel became an absolute nightmare!” Actually, they didn’t become that nightmare overnight. In fact, they have been building resentment for years and are now starting to feel confident enough to express it.
Collaborative nonpermissive parenting offers an alternate approach. It emphasizes collaboration, understanding, trust, and mutual respect. It is collaborative as caregivers and children work together and nonpermissive because everyone’s needs are considered and strategies derived must work for all parties. Together parents and children co-create solutions rooted in empathy and acknowledging everyone’s evolving needs, not one person’s needs at the expense of another. With this collaborative and nonpermissive intention, conflicts become opportunities for deeper connection and understanding, especially if coming up with strategies can wait until after the quality of connection has been firmly established.
While it may seem like a lengthy process that requires a lot of patience and presence, taking the time to hear each other and find solutions together saves time and energy in the long run. In fact, repairing a fractured relationship after disconnection requires far more effort than cultivating the connection in the first place. Many parents spend their later years working to reconnect with their adolescent or adult children, often unsuccessfully.
Collaborative nonpermissive parenting is not just about raising well-behaved children; it's about cultivating deep connections rooted in empathy, understanding, trust, and respect. The process explicitly recognizes everyone’s needs to matter and be heard while working together to find mutually satisfying solutions.
Future posts will apply collaborative nonpermissive parenting to answer questions posed to us by parents. Our hope is to help build loving and harmonious relationships between parents and children that prioritize understanding over control, empathy over authority, and connection over conflict.
