Ready for the Holidays After Being Apart From Family?

Dorothy, the Tin Man, and the Scarecrow singing, “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my,” seems like the perfect song for holiday family get-togethers with parents, grandparents, and cousins, and in-laws after up to 20 months of separation! We will all be approaching the ritual celebrations with joy and perhaps a tinge of trepidation and ambivalence.

Here are ten thoughts to put in your pocket or handbag as you stroll up the walk or unlock your friend door to the onslaught:

1. Everyone has changed – No one has stayed the same physically or emotionally over the past year and a half. Be prepared for loved ones being different.
2. Stuff has happened politically in the country – The independent cousins may now be hardened (fill in the blank). The liberal may have turned conservative, and the conservative may have turned progressive. Be prepared for loved ones being different (redux) and try and frame things in a loving way. Some topics may be better off avoided.
3. There is a lot to catch up on – Take turns updating each other up by listening and asking and not dominating the convo with what is going on with you.
4. No surprise, but people have strong feelings about vaccinations – Whatever someone is feeling, doing, or not doing with their body, don’t take your opposing view out on them. It is probably an argument you won’t win, and you may have to compromise by wearing a mask, eating outside, or staying for a shorter period than you wanted.
5. Accept yourself – Holding unrealistic expectations for yourself can make family time more stressful for you and others.
6. Accept others – Holding unrealistic expectations for your children, spouse, partner, parents, and in-laws can make the family time more stressful for you and others. Again, a loving framework may be best.
7. If you are a parent – Kids may be coming back home from college or living 1000 miles away. Accept that they will also want to spend time with local friends.
8. Don’t drink or eat too much – Get enough nap time/quiet time in.
9. When dealing with in-laws, go with your spouse’s lead. Our research found that when there is open communication between children-in-law and parents-in-law, things go more smoothly. Still, open communication needs to be greenlighted by the adult child, i.e., a husband should be okay with his spouse having a close relationship with his parents. In turn, that child-in-law should be careful about not interfering between their spouse and their parents.
10. When dealing with siblings – Understand the three “A’s” of these relationships. They can be affectionate but also ambivalent and ambiguous. Be careful about getting into the middle of relationships.

Oz was built on a myth, and the positive images of families may also be a myth for many. But a loving and more realistic picture of families, with normal ups and downs and some not-so-perfect relationships, can serve us all well as we emerge from a long metaphorical winter at the start of a new winter.