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Key points
- Quality time enables two people to give each other undivided attention to allow for meaningful conversations.
- Quality time can help two people connect on a deep level and determine whether they are a match.
- Many traditional dating settings have too many distractions and barriers.
"Let's go on a date where we won't get to know each other" is probably not something you would openly say. Yet many traditional dating settings do not allow spending enough quality time together. According to Tinder's Year in Swipe 2023 report, spending quality time together is the number one love language for singles appearing on people's bios on the dating app.
"Quality time" allows two people give each other undivided attention for meaningful conversations that can help them connect on a deep level. Undivided attention enables you to make the other person your sole focus. That means not watching something else, not texting friends, and not scrolling through social media to see how many people liked your picture of potato salad at the same time. It means truly taking in what the other person says and providing appropriately thoughtful responses.
Just because you and someone else are physically next to each other doesn't automatically mean that you are spending quality time with each other. For example, think about how much interaction in actuality occurs when most of your date is spent watching a movie together. Sure, you can see what the other person looks like when he or she stares straight ahead at something else, which may be helpful if that's your idea of an ideal relationship. Sure, you can get to know his or her profile, as in the physical profile of that person's face. But a movie in a theater typically won't allow you to have an open conversation in which you share deep thoughts, unless, of course, you want to get kicked out of the theater.
Similarly, consider what may happen when you spend your date in a club, a bar, or some other setting where there are distractions galore. Yelling, "What did you say, again," at each other repeatedly does not make for deep conversation. Neither does dancing in the dark with a silhouette that sort of looks like someone whom you might perhaps possibly end up liking.
The question you have to ask yourself is why are you even on this date? Is it simply to watch the other person's hot bod throughout the night? Do you just want to be seen in public with the other person so that you can tell your friends about it for the next week? Are you simply using the date to do something that you've wanted to do anyway? Are you just going on the date because there isn't anything worth watching on Netflix right now and it's too early to go to sleep?
Alternatively, are you already really into the other person and mainly using the date to impress or entertain him or her and win that person over? Might you be opting for a noisy, distraction-filled setting because you are afraid that you won't be able to—gasp!—hold a conversation with themr?
Or are you using the date to help decide whether this person would be right for you as a long-term partner, which is kind of the reason why many people go on dates? A date can serve as a trailer for the main attraction, be it a committed relationship, marriage, or some other type of long-term thing.
If that's your purpose in dating, consider this: Whenever you leave a date not knowing that much more about the other person, that date won't help you better decide whether there truly are longer-term prospects with the person. Such a date won't give you much more information about whether the two of you are a good match beyond what you already know and can see on a dating profile.
And spending too much time with people who are bad fits for you can be a ginormous waste of time. Every minute spent with Charlie and the Let-Me-Brag-About-Myself-Factory or Nora the Narcissist is one less minute that you can spend with better prospects.
Therefore, instead, you may want to opt for date settings that facilitate open and honest conversations, places that allow you to spend some real alone time with each other, free of too many distractions. Places that won't allow the other person to hide behind a wave of noise and flashy lights.
Tinder has indicated that 41% of its app users who are single favore a picnic in the park, 39% a casual stroll with coffee or tea, and 33% an outdoor movie or concert as ways of spending quality time together. Note that the last of these three possibilities specified an "outdoor" movie or concert, which can be quite different from an indoor one. Outdoors, it is less likely that someone will go "Shhhh" when you try to talk. And unless you are sitting right next to a speaker, the ambient noise won't drown out your conversation.
There are a host of other outdoor activities that can facilitate quality time together. These include hiking, bird-watching, kite-flying, ball throwing, ice skating (assuming that you can stay upright most of the time), sunset-watching, museum visiting, or fishing together. There are plenty of indoor possibilities as well, such as cooking, book discussing, board game playing, or volunteering together.
The key is being in a situation where you can get to know each other better. Think about what you'd like to know about the other person, and make sure that you ask the questions that will get those answers. At the same time, be open and upfront about who you are in reality. You don't want to create a false image of yourself that you will have to keep maintaining indefinitely.
Remember, time is a precious resource that can't be reclaimed once it's been used. Taking time now to spend quality time on a date can end up being a real time-saver in the long run.
