How to Accept Compliments

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The only words you need to say after someone gives you a compliment are “thank you.” But you know that’s easier said than done. When you don’t believe the compliments that people pay, you limit how well you know yourself.

There are probably too many reasons to name for why you have a hard time accepting compliments: low self-esteem, trauma, depression, a lack of compliments in your childhood, too many compliments in your childhood, etc. The causes are complicated but the path to accepting compliments is simpler. It’s a three step process. First, believe what people tell you. If you’re still having a hard time taking the compliment, double check. And if it’s still hard to accept then you’ll have to check yourself.

Step One: Check-in

When someone is trying to pay you a compliment, they are speaking subjectively. For example, if you’re six feet tall and I say, “Wow, you’re tall!” I’m being honest. I’m five foot nine, so plenty of people are tall compared to me. But if you respond, “No I’m not. My dad is tall.” That’s true, but what I said was also true. To me, you are tall. I didn’t imply you’re taller than anyone that has ever existed. I’m expressing that subjectively, from my shorter vantage point, you are tall. My perspective isn’t something that you can argue with me about.. Similarly, when I call you smart or funny, I’m commenting based on my definition of smart or funny, that’s how I see you. I’m not saying everyone in the whole world would agree with me. Just like if I say City of God is a great movie, I’m not saying you have to think it’s a great movie. I’m speaking from my perspective. It’s frustratingly easy to misunderstand the intention behind people’s words.

You have to listen carefully to compliments. It’s not always obvious if you’re being complimented for something only you can know or something others can observe. You will know better than I ever will if you have a stomach ache. Unless it's really bad, that’s invisible to the world. But we both have a say on whether or not you’re tall, short, smart, funny, happy, angry, or anything that is more observable.

If you are forty years old, five foot six inches tall, and weigh seventy pounds, I would say you are underweight. But if you are comparing yourself to someone who is an inch shorter than you and weighs five pounds less than you, you might call yourself large. In this extreme example, the outside perspective is more accurate than the internal one. When someone pays you a compliment they are speaking about something that is observable.

Step Two: Double Check

If you’re still struggling to accept a compliment because it doesn’t feel quite right, you don’t just have to take someone at their word. You can check with someone else. It can be hard to accept an opinion when it’s the opposite of yours, so call in reinforcements. Ask someone else what they think. They will be the tie breaker. You can ask two or three or four more people if two isn’t enough. It can be nerve racking to open about your insecurities. But you’re the kind of person that goes out of their way to read self help articles. I believe that you’re capable of more than you think. If you keep hearing the same thing over and over again and still can’t accept the compliment then something more insidious might be happening.

Step Three: Check Yourself

How honest are you with your friends and family when they ask for your opinion? Because I’ve noticed a pattern in the clients that I see. The people who struggle with accepting compliments also hide how they really feel from other people. Everyone looks like a thief to a pickpocket, meaning that you assume other people do what you do. If you mislead or lie to people about your opinions, then it’s not surprising that you have a hard time trusting that people’s compliments are genuine. Be more honest with people around you, even with questions like how are you, and you’ll find it much easier to believe what people say about you.

You have the steps. Now it’s up to you to implement them. Dial down your skepticism and assume that the person complimenting you is being authentic. If the comment is hard to take in, double check with a trusted person or persons until you’re satisfied. If satisfaction doesn’t come, then you will need to be more genuine yourself before you can integrate other people’s opinions. Accepting compliments is a small part of becoming closer to someone but it speaks to a larger need in relationships, because how close can you get to someone if you can’t trust what they say?