If It’s Too Cruel to Say to Others, Don't Say It to Yourself

As a psychologist and coach, I have helped many individuals recognize their negative thoughts. Oftentimes, these negative thoughts and beliefs center around self-criticism. I’ve heard individuals say that they are unlovable, worthless, stupid, a failure, and that they are not enough.

When these negative thoughts and beliefs are uncovered, individuals share how they’ve had this negative pattern of thinking throughout their lives. This means that they have likely been criticizing and denigrating themselves for decades.

Notice if your thoughts tend to be self-critical.

• Do you consistently put yourself down?
• What’s the benefit of putting yourself down like this?

Source: Dave Lowe / Unsplash

Such long-standing patterns of negative thinking and the stories that we tell ourselves about how such negative thinking has been productive or protective can make it especially hard to change our thoughts and accept more adaptive and healthy beliefs. For example, if you believe criticizing yourself has led you to work harder or not feel as disappointed when you don’t succeed, then these negative thoughts can feel adaptive.

Say that you recognize that you are lovable and make an effort to build evidence to support this more adaptive belief, you may experience an underlying discomfort that someone or something will come along to knock you down and “prove” you really are unlovable. Being kind to ourselves can leave us feeling vulnerable.

Try to think in a more balanced way.

It can be helpful to recognize that we can still notice and examine our negative thoughts. And a healthy goal is to make them more balanced.

• We can do this by purposefully adding neutral and positive considerations to our thoughts.

For example, you may have a negative thought in which you label yourself as “stupid.” A more balanced thought would be, “I’ve done stupid things but I am not stupid.” In this way, you can recognize the fact that you made a mistake but not label your whole self negatively because of it.

Consider what you would say to someone else.

There is no perfect solution for the complex nature of challenging your negative thoughts and creating healthier, more balanced thoughts and beliefs. Nevertheless, in these moments of self-doubt and self-criticism, I encourage you to ask yourself,

• “What would I say to someone I care about if they were having the same thought that I am?”

Self-compassion can be hard, so in those moments step outside yourself and think about a family member, friend, colleague, or acquaintance. If what you are saying to yourself is too cruel to say out loud to someone else, stop saying it to yourself.

You are just as valuable and worthwhile as everyone else, so set a goal to treat yourself as such.

Your thoughts are not facts. They may feel like facts, as they are based on how you’ve interpreted your experiences, and hence, your view of the world, but they are not facts.

You are enough, so be kinder to yourself.