For the Love of the Grudge: Resentment Feels Good

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[Continued from Part 1.]

In fellow Psychology Today blogger and psychotherapist Nancy Colier’s view, grudges empower us. “With our grudge intact, we know who we are—a person who was ‘wronged,’” she writes. “As much as we don’t like it, there also exists a kind of rightness and strength in this identity. We have something that defines us ... which gives us a sense of solidness and purpose.”

Plainly put, grudges allow us to see ourselves as victims. Victims deserve sympathy. Victims deserve to be heard. And most importantly, victims deserve justice. Who among us is willing to give that up?

In December, research published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, identified a new personality construct, called Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood (TIV), to describe people who always see themselves as victims in relationship conflicts. In a series of experiments, researchers found that consistent key traits attributed to TIV, were “moral elitism, a lack of empathy, the need for recognition and rumination.” Additionally, they learned that TIV was “deeply rooted in the relations with primary caregivers,” suggesting that those afflicted have seen themselves through the lens of victimhood throughout their entire lives.

Another of the experiments also revealed how the desire for revenge can materialize into TIV. In the experiment, participants played a game in which they were treated poorly (i.e., at the end of the game, their opponent would take a big share of the winnings). Those with high TIV “were more likely to desire revenge against the person who wronged them”—and when given the opportunity to take money from their opponent, would do so—even though they knew that it wouldn’t add to their own winnings. This is why it’s unsurprising that the researchers also found that high TIV participants exhibited more negative emotions and entitlement to immoral behavior.

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I’d argue that a free license to commit immoral behavior is precisely what makes getting revenge so intoxicating. There are no rules or limits when it comes to seeking vengeance. Just ask Kill Bill heroine Beatrix Kiddo, aka Black Mamba, who, for nearly four hours, mercilessly hunts down and kills everyone who has wronged her in the past. Never mind that she, herself, is an assassin who has killed countless others in cold blood. In the film, all we, the audience, choose to see and identify with is her victimhood and her justified desire for payback. Of course, everyone who has wronged her deserves to die. And, more importantly, when she gets her revenge, we avenge our own grievances vicariously through her, and my goodness is it satisfying.

Deriving pleasure from another’s pain is perverse, certainly, but it’s also how our brains are wired.

Several years ago, in a study conducted at University College London, researchers used fMRI machines to measure how much empathy people had while watching others get punished. The results found that participants were less likely to show empathy for those whose punishment seemed deserved. Men, in particular, exhibited more activity in the reward-related areas of the brain, which are closely connected to dopamine reward pathways. Dopamine plays an important role in how our brains process rewarding experiences and is linked to the highs we get from sex, love, lust, gambling, and most other earthly pleasures (or sins).

Which is to say, isn’t that what life is all about? Pleasure. Feeling good. And, righting a wrong, getting even, seeing someone get what they deserve—aren’t these all things that make us feel really, really good?

Therein lies the reason, maybe, why we will always choose to protect our grudges and hold them long past when we should. Why we will never forget to nourish them and tend to them like pets. Because even though they might be bad for us and hurting our brains and bodies in the present, we can’t shake the possibility that one day, we might finally get our revenge, see our day in court, or settle the score ... and reap all the feel-good rewards that come with it.