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Key points
- People may have trouble working alongside co-workers who are different from them, but learning to accept colleagues can improve one's work life.
- Tips for accepting challenging co-workers include getting to know them as people and becoming aware of one's triggers and self-talk.
- Other strategies include accepting that people have different work styles, recognizing that it isn't one's job to "fix" anyone and offering help.
Even the most giving person can struggle with accepting a co-worker who might be a difficult person to work alongside. If you knew them in your personal life, maybe you would cut them a break or not interpret their behavior so negatively, but when they are in the workplace and you have a dependency of sorts on them, the support falls apart.
Bringing your EQ (Emotional Quotient, or Emotional Intelligence) into the workplace is crucially important. EQ involves being self-aware, regulating your emotions, being socially aware, and knowing how to intrinsically motivate yourself. It means taking responsibility for your relationships, too.
For some reason, at times you can treat co-workers as if they are family members you can’t stand. You are stuck with them, but you really don’t like them and don’t enjoy the time you have to spend with them. It’s like going to Aunt Margaret’s house for the holidays – but at least in that case, once the dinner is over you can leave. Co-workers keep coming back, day after day after day.
The dependency and desire to have others do what you want them to do, when you want them to do it and in the way you want them to do it, makes for difficult relationships. You see the other person as holding up the project, or getting the boss’ attention unfairly, or slacking off, or spending too much time on social media. You can easily identify and observe exactly what the co-worker should be doing or not doing. You just don’t often see how your own lens on their behavior compromises you and your relationship with them.
It’s possible to transfer your loving and accepting nature towards those who are different from you in your personal life to those you struggle to work effectively alongside in your professional life – no matter what sort of role you might have. You might fantasize about being in charge and cleaning house or getting rid of that deadwood, but many times, you aren’t going to get that opportunity. Learning to work alongside people and value who they are and the way they are can make for a much better work life for you.
Tips for Embracing Challenging Co-Workers
If you have a co-worker who pushes your buttons and you just can’t bring yourself to embrace them, consider the following:
- Become aware of your triggers and your associated self-talk. You see that co-worker on their cell phone, again. You are frustrated because they don’t work hard enough and spend too much time on social media, but do you really know what they are doing and why? Could they have a sick child they are checking on? Could they be an anxious person who needs to stay connected to feel safe? Could they be going through a difficult life experience? Notice that their behavior is not the problem; your response to their behavior is. You are triggered by their actions, you tell yourself how rude and inconsiderate they are, and then you act out toward them. Catch this cycle in motion and the next time, make a conscious decision to drop it. Unless you need them to respond, in which case you can interrupt them and ask for their attention politely yet firmly, you can actually choose to ignore them.
- Get to know your co-workers as people. If you have ever had the experience where you think you don’t like someone but then you get to spend time with them, getting to understand more about their background and viewpoints, and you decide you really do like the person – then you understand this dynamic. It’s easy to make assumptions about someone in the workplace but instead of assuming, choose to learn.
- Realize people have different styles of getting stuff done. Just because you are slow and methodical doesn’t mean your brash, fast co-worker is wrong in his or her approach. Just because you can juggle a dozen competing priorities well doesn’t mean your co-worker who needs to understand priorities and timelines is wrong. Differences in approach are actually what make for a better work environment. Your style may work great for you, but that doesn’t mean it is right for everyone.
- If you are not the boss, have the mantra “I am not the boss.” So many people want the boss to “fix” an employee. They think the boss isn’t doing enough, they don’t understand how little the team member contributes, if they only knew how hard it was to work with this person! Stop projecting and stop wishing your boss will wake up and smell the coffee. Your boss has his or her job to do and you don’t know all of what they know. If you believe it is important to bring something to his or her attention, do it. But do it professionally and without judgment. Inform. Educate. Relay information. Then drop it. It isn’t your job to fix anyone.
- Ask your team member if there is anything you can do to help them. Yes, stunning to think you might offer a helping hand to the very person who is driving you crazy but sometimes working more closely alongside someone and learning more about their strengths and areas for improvement firsthand can give you information to be more objective about their behavior.
Do you have to actually love a team member or co-worker? Of course not. However, you can simply learn to work alongside them without angst or upset. Practice applying the grace and support you might give to a friend, neighbor or stranger to those you work with from time to time. It will make your work experience much more fulfilling in the long run, too.
