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Understanding Twins
When a Twin’s New Family Cannot Get Along With the Co-Twin
What can be done to restore harmony?
Posted April 22, 2024 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- When twins marry, interpersonal problems involving their co-twin are commonly triggered.
- Restoring harmony and agreeability after a conflict can be very difficult.
- Twins who know themselves tend to fight less intensely.
When twins marry or become seriously involved with a partner, interpersonal problems involving their co-twin are commonly triggered. For example, George won't attend his twin brother Bill’s wedding because he thinks Bill’s fiancé, Mary, is too materialistic. Disappointment, jealousy, and too many expectations concerning the twins and the new family are hard problems to understand and resolve.
These emotional schisms can last a long time and they can be difficult to contend with on a personal level as well, because family outsiders often do not believe that twins fight and don't get along. Smoothing out or avoiding family misunderstandings is a problem for many families with twins that makes all kinds of holidays and “family events” very stressful. Confronting problems can be almost impossible, in my experience. While the parents of twins often try to get to the bottom of the problem, success is hard to achieve. Problems are usually based on favoritism created in early life. Favoritism leads to jealousy. Favoritism really poisons the family well.
Why do twins and their partners/spouses fight so hard over misunderstandings?
Generally speaking, the magnitude of the problem to be solved, which is made worse over time, along with jealousy (sometimes open jealousy but usually with some degree of secrecy or buried feelings) and the need for everyone to have their own way and be in control, are the motivators of family fighting when twins are involved. Non-twins really have no idea of how to comprehend one of these twin issues. Seeing how different twins can be (different from each other as well as different from ordinary people) will often shock a non-twin.
Who is responsible for handling a family problem that might include illness, financial or marital issues, or something regarding the children? “Who is right and who is wrong” is a long-standing trap for twins and their close significant others that can escalate into unbelievable conflict. For example, one of the elderly parents of the twins is hospitalized and might need long-term care. Which twin is in charge of the management of this illness? And how can “blame” be kept at bay? Even non-twin siblings can fight over this, but twins bring it to a new level, and married twins bring their new families along for this “crazed” roller coaster ride.
When the crisis is over, the person who resolved the problem, and how they did so, can turn success into a threat: “I will never forgive you for not helping me when Mom was in the hospital. Your business is more important than your family.”
Disagreements can become so hateful that they may seem unbelievable to the non-twin, who wonders, “What is this really about? Why can't these twins be more mature?”
There is a strong need for the family to get along and not self-destruct. But one of the twins won’t say they are sorry.
Let's look at two examples of why restoring harmony/agreeability is so very difficult.
Family A is very close-knit. Mother and dad and only one twin sister want to get along all of the time. Mom and Dad are emotionally dependent on their adult children's ability to live in harmony. Parental self-esteem is derived from a congenial family relationship. But it is impossible for this family to get along because one twin, Beatrice, feels stifled by her parents’ overbearing attachment to the twinship. Her twin sister Annabel wants and actually seems to need the family closeness to continue. The husbands take their wives’ side or ignore the problem. The issue of parental over-involvement cannot be resolved because the twins disagree.
Beatrice wants to be left alone and not be continually supervised. She feels ignored and invisible when no one wants to listen to her. Her twin sister Annabel wants to have a calm beautiful dinner with the entire family. Peace and harmony, so longed for by Beatrice and her parents, is always a far-away goal.
Family B, while growing up, has lived through so many conflicts and anger over who makes the best decisions that it is hard to really support one another. Working together is very difficult. No one knows how to solve a serious life-threatening problem such as a twin’s anorexia or even a small issue. The sons and daughters of Family B have never been able to compromise. Bitterness and resentment take over relationships and seem to live on and on. No problems are solved through reason but only by necessity.
Again, while all families fight, twins fight harder and for longer periods of time. I have spoken to twins who didn't like who their twin was marrying, and spent a lot of time and energy undermining the new spouse. Parties and family events were always difficult and often led to hateful words that transmitted deep anger.
Obviously, there is no simple answer to this problem of entrenched anger among twin families. Family rage happens and it is certainly not in anyone's best interest. Identity development is the only way I see to resolve family unhappiness. Twins who know themselves tend to fight less intensely. But identity development can be a life-long pursuit that should be addressed early in life.
What can twins do when faced with the resentment and antagonism of the other twin?
1. Accept that twin family resentments occur naturally. Do not make problems worse than they already are.
2. Get a senior member of the family to try to reduce anger if possible.
3. Do not feel ashamed that you can't get along, especially if you really, really can't get along.
4. Not all twins get along, because it is hard to deal with competition and comparisons that twins confront on an everyday basis. Sometimes there are just too many complicated situations to get over, especially if not everyone wants harmony.
