A Simple Technique for Calming Peers and Puppies

Source: StockSnap / Pixabay

I stumbled downstairs to the bathroom this morning and was immediately greeted by my exuberant and oh-so-happy seven-month labrador puppy. Yang is a service dog in training—normally well-behaved and able to go to the theater and banquets or sit quietly in meetings. Like Tigger, he is quiet and refined after breakfast.

Before breakfast, however, Yang was very excited to see me (it had, after all, been 15 minutes since he'd left my sight). I reflected on his joy, my voice high-pitched and playful, even as I tried to calm his jumping by asking for a seat. I rubbed his belly and wrestled him as he flopped over and wriggled, reflecting his enthusiasm.

"Oh." I thought. "Mirroring."

Mirroring: The Power of Connection

I continued to stroke Yang, keeping the joyful lilt in my voice but slowing its tempo. As he surged back to his feet (this "puppy" weighs 60 pounds), I slowed my hands and began stroking his chest instead of rubbing it. Suddenly, he was sitting, pressing his massive head against my legs, tongue lolling and exuding calm.

Mirroring is how psychologists describe the way two individuals synch their moods and behaviors with one another. It works for colleagues in meetings, parents and kids, and even puppies and their owners. It is a subconscious process, with fMRI studies showing that mirroring activates the inferior parietal lobe, inferior frontal gyrus, and cerebellum.

Babies develop the ability to mirror interacting with others. Mothers talk to their babies, imitating their expressions. Babies mirror back, moms change their expressions, and babies follow. Even newborns less than a day old show evidence of imitating facial expressions.

A Natural Experiment

We naturally mirror those around us, and they mirror us. Try it. While having coffee with a friend, notice how they have their arms on the table. Mirror them by putting your arms the same way (if you don't discover you've been doing so already). Tilt your head as they do. Match their smiles and frowns.

You'd think that would be hard, but it's not. It is something humans do naturally to get into synch with one another. Now, take the lead. Cross your legs, and watch them do it, too. Lean back and see what happens.

People who like each other and work together naturally mirror one another's physical movements. Studies show that we like people who mirror us more closely. You'd think we'd notice the imitation, but we tend to be aware of it at a subconscious rather than conscious level.

Emotions mirror too. We naturally lift our voices to share one another's joys and lower them to match their sorrow.

Using Mirror's Power

Unlike bathroom mirrors, human mirrors reflect one another. So do humans and animals. That's what happened to me and Yang this morning. He was wildly happy, and I changed my mood, behavior, and tempo to match.

What calmed him, though, was my conscious use of mirroring. I moved from playfully wrestling belly rubs to stroking. I slowed my doggy praise. And, mirroring me, his demeanor changed. The rhythm of his tail thumps quieted. His breathing calmed as well. As I asked, he could sit and stay sat instead of plopping down and bouncing back up.

When I was calm, so was he.

Mirroring also works for children, students, and colleagues, especially in one-on-one settings. When we soothe people, we model the calmer, solemn, but hopeful affect we hope they will display. This, too, is a function of mirroring.

To use mirroring effectively:

• Begin by mirroring them. You hope to increase their positive regard for you, form a bond, and come into sync as a dyad.
• Slowly change your behavior toward what you want theirs to move toward. It should be an easy enough transition that, without thinking about it, they match what you're doing.
• Use both your body language and your voice.
• Tempo is critical. Slow your movements first, then your words, and calm the inflections of your voice.

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If all this sounds complicated, you'll find that it's not; it's a skill you already have. What is changing is that you are using it consciously rather than unconsciously. Rather than reflecting the upset, exuberance, or panic around you, you are leading the dance between you and your reflection.