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I have learned many things from my mom, a woman who raised five kids from the '50s through the 90s. Humor. Discipline. How to make a great fruitcake. When to say "Because I said so."
Most importantly, I learned an attitude that is profoundly Stoic: "That is not my problem."
Stoicism 101: Focus on what you can control.
This year of the pandemic, I've started a reading project on Stoicism.1 A Greek philosophical school embraced by the Romans, Stoicism has had profound influences on the early Christian church and was formative in the development of cognitive-behavioral therapy. It resonates deeply with Buddhism.
A core element of Stoic philosophy is focusing one's energy and well-being on that which you have entirely within your control. Many things are beyond our control—if the pandemic has taught us nothing else, it should have taught us that. Bad things happen to good people.
We lack complete control over our own lives. I want to be healthy but my health is influenced by exposure to viruses, genetics, social inequities, the quality of my healthcare, and many other factors. I want my business to succeed and work hard to achieve that. But it may fail despite my hard work. I want to be respected by my peers. That may not happen.
Most things that happen are out of my control, although I can influence them through my efforts. Therefore, say the Stoics, I should let go of my desire for specific outcomes (health, wealth, respect). Instead, I should focus my time, attention, and happiness on changing what is in my control. I should feel satisfaction in my efforts to maintain health and build my business. I should work to do things that are worthy of respect. If I've done all I can, I should be content.
Stoicism and parenting.
My mom worked hard at her parenting. She gave us advice, set rules that seemed stricter than most at the time (but entirely reasonable now), and arranged things so that it was easy for us to make pretty good choices.
She was honest about what she thought but wise enough to be quiet and let us talk. She gave advice when asked for, but didn't jump in to solve our problems. I swore she could read minds, but now, as a parent, know she just knew us well and was a great observer of the obvious.
However—and this is where we get to Stoicism—she knew what she couldn't control.
She had thoughts on our careers—practical thoughts like how we were going to keep a roof over our heads or what kinds of hours we would work in different jobs. But what we did with that information and the decisions we made? That was on us.
She had hopes for our futures and helped us to get there. But whatever happened was what happened.
What she did have control over, she controlled. She gave support. She pushed and (definitely) nagged.
She absolutely, positively, and unconditionally loved us and expressed that love all the time. She was always there when we needed her. That was something she could control.
But she also always kept sharp boundaries. What she could do. What we could do. What was outside both of our control. Her happiness focused on what was on her.
Parenting, Anxiety, and Joy
One of the hardest things for me about parenting is anxiety. I worry—all the time—about my "kids." My kids when they were little. My kids when they were really sick. My now-adult kids. I want joy and love and satisfaction for them. I really want them to be healthy. But all of those things are outside my control.
Some of that is at least partly in my kids' control—their efforts to find the things that will give them good lives and bring them about. But a lot of it isn't even on things they can control. They can control their efforts. They can't control what happens.
Knowing that helps me more tranquil as a parent. Just like it helped my mom keep her cool. I think it's also made all of us happier.
Most of the time. I am still a Stoic in training. Letting go of what I want that is out of my control is still a work in progress.
References
1. I am reading A Handbook for New Stoics by Massimo Pigliucci & Gregory Lopez. It has 52 short readings and exercises - designed to be done one a week for a year.
