Loving Compassion: The Why and How

Co-authored by Marcia Gralha

This is the sixth in a blog series devoted to explaining how the CALM-MO approach to psychological mindfulness reverses neurotic loops. As a recent dissertation clarifies in detail (Miller, 2022; see here), CALM-MO is a tool that connects the core wisdom of psychotherapy taken from across the major approaches.

Think of a time when you did something you regretted and felt a deep sense of shame or guilt. Did you get hypercritical of yourself and have a hard time moving on? Now, remember a time when you were treated harshly or unfairly by others. Or a time when the world felt like an unjust place that repeatedly injured you. Did you find yourself stuck in a resentful, blaming mode that seemed impossible to overcome?

Loving compassion is the “L” in the CALM-MO approach, and this post explores how and why to cultivate it toward yourself, others, and the world.

What is loving compassion, and why is it sometimes difficult?

To understand what we are pointing to, we can start by thinking about loving compassion as a baseline way of relating to the world as opposed to a targeted response to specific situations. In his book Humankind, Bregman (2019) documents the mountains of evidence that humans can be kind, cooperative, prosocial, and loving. Of course, humans also have the potential for hatred, selfishness, and bitterness. But a strong case can be made that the former is the default, while the latter is a reaction to injury. This means that virtually all of us have the capacity to relate to the world with loving compassion.

Take a minute and imagine the following scenes. First, you are sitting at a restaurant and, at the table next to you, are a crying child and their parent.

The angry parent says to the small, submissive child: “What is wrong with you? You never do anything right! Stop crying, you are making everything worse!”

Now, imagine you are walking down the park and witnessing a group of teenagers bullying a saddened, shy-looking peer.

Finally, picture a scene where your close friend cries on your shoulder after finding out their spouse has been cheating for years.

Notice how you feel in each case; it is highly likely that you felt a sense of care. That is, you valued the worth of the hurt child, the bullied teen, or your betrayed friend. And you felt their injuries were not fair or warranted. Thus, out of care and a sense of their core dignity and worth, you wished that the world had treated them better and that their suffering would be alleviated. This is the essence of what we mean by loving compassion.

Of course, there are many instances when people have trouble feeling compassion because they do not think it is deserved. This is especially the case with self-compassion. Many people are much harsher with themselves than they would be with a loved one or even a stranger in the same situation. Moreover, when we find that others or the world are to blame for our suffering, it is only natural to react with defensive hostility. In these frames of mind, the self or others do not seem to deserve loving compassion.

However, rather than being a goal state, we must achieve, loving compassion is a return to one’s fundamental state of deservingness of respect, honor, and worth. Framed as such, loving compassion is not dependent upon our successes and achievements but is a baseline attitude and way of being in the world. The following five principles ground the attitude of loving compassion in CALM-MO.

1. Belief in the Fundamental Dignity of Humans and Separating That From Incremental Dignity

Fundamental dignity refers to the fact that all human beings warrant being valued and respected. It is a concept that grounds the United Declaration of Human Rights and can be framed as the ground of our humanity. Of course, as we are all aware, many humans act in undignified ways and damage the dignity of others. We can frame these as acts of “incremental dignity,” and they must be evaluated accordingly. However, there is a core ground of fundamental dignity, and this is the value that orients loving compassion in CALM-MO.

2. Suffering Is Inevitable, and Compassion Is the Caring Response

As we noted in a previous blog, the inevitable reality of suffering is one of the great truths of Buddhism. This fact is embraced by CALM-MO, and the cultivation of its acceptance is a key aspect of the approach. However, in addition to acceptance, we can also hold our orientation toward what we hope the world will be like. And here, we see that compassion is the caring response toward suffering of all kinds. As was activated in the above examples, it represents the remorse we feel for the agony of the world and our wish for it to be alleviated.

Forgiveness Essential Reads

Grow Proficient in Forgiveness: Practice Small Acts of Love

Forgiveness: A Critical Part of Relationships

3. Hate and Blame Are Understandable, but They Are Not Virtues

We come equipped with the capacity to judge, hate, and blame. And in much the same way, we are naturally grounded to be prosocial, hate, blame, and shame are natural responses to unjust injury, pain, failure, and loss. Placed in the context of CALM-MO, these are natural primary responses to negative situations. However, such responses need to be accepted and held as such, as they are not virtues that lead to valued states of being over time. In other words, we can feel them, accept them, and orient our actions to transcend them.

4. Coupling Loving Compassion With Motivation Toward Valued States of Being

Loving compassion toward oneself and others does not mean simply conforming to pain and suffering. Rather loving compassion can be a motivating attitude toward change. When we get in touch with the fundamental worth of ourselves and others, we are more oriented to realizing our potential and cultivating wise living.

5. We Can Have Compassion for When We Fail to Have Compassion

Finally, like all profound and long-lasting shifts in our ways of being, cultivating loving compassion is a difficult endeavor. It is the nature of primary emotions to energize our bodies with strong urges to react. As we cultivate the ability to mindfully observe our emotional responses to events in our lives, we learn to pause and orient our attitude adaptively with curiosity, acceptance, loving compassion, and motivation.

It is expected that, as we tread the path of self-actualization and growth, there will be failures in our ability to enact our ideal way of responding. It is especially in those scenarios that loving compassion is central.

Breaking away from dysfunctional cycles involves being self-compassionate when we are swept up by the waves of mindless reactivity. Thus, when you let yourself down, pause, activate your CALM-MO sage mode, and get in touch with your fundamental worth as a person who warrants loving compassion.