An Answer to Our Loneliness Epidemic

If you live in America, chances are, you're no stranger to loneliness. Since 2003, the average amount of time American adults spend alone has increased by about 24 hours per month while their monthly time spent with friends has dropped by 20. Teens and young adults have seen a whopping 70 percent drop in time spent with friends in person (from about 150 minutes a day in 2003 to only 40 as of 2020). Americans’ close friendships are also waning: In 1990, people who had only three or fewer friends—a number linked to increased loneliness—made up a quarter of our country. Now that three-or-fewer friends cohort comprises about half.

This is a problem. Social connectedness is known to increase our odds of survival by 50 percent. The health tolls of its absence exceed the tolls of inactivity, obesity, air pollution, and smoking 15 cigarettes per day. Loneliness increases our risk of heart disease, stroke, cardiovascular disease, hypertension, diabetes, and Alzheimer’s disease, and our susceptibility to infectious diseases. Not surprisingly, an increased risk of depression and anxiety as well as suicidality and self-harm can also result from being chronically lonely.

Despite an increase in the availability and accessibility of mental health services (from innovations in online therapy to better health insurance coverage of mental health care) the negative effects of loneliness don’t seem to be getting any better. Physical issues proliferate. So do mood and anxiety disorders (not just in the United States, but also abroad), and the pandemic certainly hasn't helped these trends. While therapists work overtime to address the growing demand for support, nonclinical approaches to meeting the emotional needs of an incredibly lonely and stressed-out populace have stepped into the fore. These include crisis lines (like 988, The Trevor Project, and RAINN), non-crisis warm lines (typically offered state by state), and various local and national organizations seeking to bridge growing gaps in human connectedness.

“We’re all someone, and we all need someone to tell it to,” explain Tom Kaden and Michael Gingerich, who founded Someone To Tell It To, an organization that offers supportive listening to individuals in the United States and abroad via telephone and texting, email, video chat, cards, letters, and even in person. Anyone, no matter who they are and what wounds they carry, deserves to be known and heard without judgment, looked at and listened to with love. In Kaden and Gingerich's organization, two volunteers meet with people reaching out for connection regularly. This differs from most call centers, where a person typically speaks with different volunteers upon each contact. Firmly believing that everyone can be a better listener, Kaden and Gingerich have trained more than 800 people in their compassionate listening model, have had over 20,000 listening interactions, and have begun offering training programs to groups and organizations, with the intent of improving emotional intelligence and empathy among bosses, employees, colleagues, family members, and friends so as to create more supportive environments (which, at least in the context of work, has a huge influence on employee retention and turnover).

We know that those of us who have close or very close ties—people we can talk to about practically anything, confide in, and feel genuinely known and supported by—are less susceptible to loneliness. This was particularly pronounced during the pandemic. Yes, people’s access to therapy during COVID-19’s peak helped manage symptoms of mental illness, but what really made or broke their well-being, research suggests, was their access to genuine, reciprocally supportive relationships.

As a therapist, I know from research (and personal experience) that the main predictor of whether therapy will be helpful lies in the quality of the relationship between provider and client. A therapeutic relationship lacking in trust, feelings of being understood and accepted without judgment, and genuineness will do little for a client, no matter how clinically skilled or well trained a therapist may be. It is no different with nonclinical, “real world” relationships between friends, family members, neighbors, or colleagues. We must feel seen, known, and accepted for who we are to believe that we truly belong, are worthy of love, and can adequately cope with the inevitable stresses and suffering being human entails. These elements are essential to our well-being, and critical to healing the woundedness we all carry inside of us.

Source: Courtesy Michael Gingerich and Tom Kaden

We live in a world that has made real, human connectedness increasingly harder to come by. Communities are increasingly fragmented. More and more people live alone. Interactions have migrated to digital spaces that don’t offer the eye contact, physical touch, body language, and vocal intonations that help regulate our nervous systems. As a result, many of us are left feeling isolated, alone, and desperate for connection. Non-clinical services—most of which are either free or donation based—offer a unique antidote to this modern dilemma. Should you count yourself among the growing number of people who yearn to feel genuinely heard and seen by another human, it might be quite helpful (and healing) for you to reach out to one of them.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Michael Gingerich (left) and Tom Kaden (right)

Source: Courtesy of Michael Gingerich and Tom Kaden