The Relational Harms of Childhood Psychological Abuse

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In her memoir, An Abbreviated Life (2016), American author and award-winning journalist Ariel Leve reveals the details of her traumatic relationship with her psychologically abusive mother. Her mother had an exorbitant need for admiration, attention, appreciation, and company and would demand that her daughter provided it. But no matter how much she gave, her mother would demand more.

Not only that, but her mother would also say something positive only to take it back a moment later. For example, she would often tell Ariel how much she loved her, and then a minute later, she would stare daggers at her and tell her how much she hated her. Verbal and emotional abuse were remarkably prevalent. Leve recalls a scene from when she was only six years old:

"My mother says, 'When I’m dead, you will be all alone because your father doesn’t want you. You know that, right?' I am six years old, an only child. She is naked in front of the white porcelain sink putting on eye shadow, and I am seated on top of the toilet seat, perched on the lid, watching as she gets ready to go out for the evening. She says, 'Just remember that and treat me nicely.'” (p. iii)

Childhood psychological abuse most commonly occurs in relationships between a child and the child's primary caregiver—usually a parent, although it can occasionally occur between a child and a more remote caregiver.

The abuse may take the form of emotional neglect or overt acts of verbal and emotional abuse.⁸ For example, a parent may verbally abuse the child by telling them that they are flawed, worthless, unloved, unwanted, or that they only have value insofar as they meet their parent's needs.³

Childhood psychological abuse can also emerge as terrorizing, gaslighting, isolation, criticism, blame, belittling, trivializing, undermining, a refusal to respond, making the child witness domestic violence, or demanding that the child takes care of the parent, among many other forms of childhood emotional abuse.^1,3,4,7

Such abusive behaviors often result in the child suffering various individual harms that often materialize during adolescence or adulthood. Adolescents and adults who have been subjected to childhood psychological abuse commonly suffer depression, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, substance abuse disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, borderline personality, low self-esteem, difficulties regulating emotions, and increased rates of suicide.^2,7,8

In new research published in the Journal of Global Ethics, moral philosopher Sarah Clark Miller argues that the individual harms of childhood psychological abuse reveal only part of the adverse consequences of this sort of abuse.⁶ To fully understand the dangers of childhood psychological abuse, she argues, we need to look closer at the relational harms that victims suffer.

Unlike individual harms, relational harms are harms to the relationships we have with ourselves and others. Miller identifies three types of relational harms.

Harms to Our Agency in Relationships

The harm to our agency in relationships that follows in the wake of childhood psychological abuse can be found in how it corrupts our ability to form and maintain relationships that are marked by mutual respect for the other's values and mutual concern for the other's well-being. It can even impair the adult child's desire and willingness to have children of their own. Ariel experienced this consequence as a young adult:

"I never wanted to be a mother. When friends would speak about their desire to have a baby, I realized that I didn’t share this feeling. I didn’t crave it or need it or feel that my life would be incomplete without it." (p. 65).

Harms to Our Relationships with Others

The most obvious relationships that childhood psychological abuse harms are those between the child and the abusive parent and child. The damage done is irrevocable. The adult child will often continue to have contact with their abusive parent, often because the parent demands it, and even as an adult, the child may feel unable to escape the abusive parent. Leve describes this feeling of being trapped in the following passage:

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"The aftershocks came years later. The feeling that I will never be free from her. I will never know peace. Her menacing presence will govern my fate. No matter where I am in the world, there will be no escape. She will track me down, she will not let go." (pp. 157-158).

Harms to the Relationships We Have With Ourselves

Childhood psychological abuse harms not only how we relate to others but also how we relate to ourselves. Our selves are partially constituted by our relationships with ourselves and others.^1,6 Accordingly, childhood psychological abuse can cause damage to the victim's self—not just their self-image, but who they are.

Abusers who constantly convey to children that they are unloved, unwanted, and worthless instill in them a false sense of self that is made up of the lies their abuser tells them. The abusive lies of worthlessness instilled in children when they are young can cement into self-hatred, self-contempt, and a feeling of being worthless—detrimental mental states that often last for the rest of the victim's life.

The abusive lies also negatively affect the child's self-esteem, self-knowledge, self-trust, and self-love. Psychological abuse can sometimes completely destroy the child's self, making them genuinely confused and uncertain about who they really are.

How Psychologically Abused Children Can Heal

How does one heal from relational harms? And how do we respond to those who have suffered childhood psychological abuse?

As Miller notes, the answer is somewhat paradoxical insofar as "that which has been broken in relation must often be repaired in relation." (p. 29) Psychiatrist Judith Lewis Herman underscores this insight in her pioneering work on trauma:²

"In her renewed connections with other people, the survivor re-creates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the traumatic experience. These faculties include the basic capacities for trust, autonomy, initiative, competence, identity, and intimacy. Just as these capabilities are originally formed in relationships with other people, they must be reformed in such relationships." (p. 133)

To echo Herman, it is within the relationship between the child and the abuser that the childhood psychological abuse replaces the self of the child victim with abusive lies about their worthlessness. To remedy this, the adult child must gradually re-constitute their self—create themselves anew—in positive, trusting, and non-abusive relationships.