Are You Guilt-Prone or Hyper-Responsible?

This article summarizes research and ideas from the Guilt Proneness & Hyper-Responsibility episode of our podcast, Talk Psych to Me.

Source: Alf Melin/Creative Commons

Do you ever have the feeling that no matter how much you do, you’re still not doing enough? Are you hypersensitive to other people’s feelings and needs, even more so than to your own? Do you apologize excessively, even if someone else bumps into you? Do you feel responsible for others, even if they never asked you to be?

If these descriptions strike a chord, you just might be guilt-prone.

What Is Guilt-Proneness?

While guilt is an emotion that we experience when we believe that we’ve done something wrong, guilt-proneness is a persistent personality trait.

Guilt-prone people experience guilt more intensely and more frequently, and are more likely to be guided by their guilt in everyday life.

What Are the Consequences of Being Prone to Guilt?

While feeling frequent guilt sounds pretty bad on the surface, recent research reveals that guilt-proneness has many surprising benefits. For example, guilt-prone people are

• Better at reading people’s emotions.
• More empathetic and open to others’ perspectives.
• More likely to help those in need.
• Perceived as more capable leaders.
• Viewed as more likable and trustworthy.
• Capable of influencing others.
• More likely to try harder and perform better at work.

(Treeby et. al, 2015; Wiltermuth & Cohen, 2014; Levine et. al., 2018; Brooks, Dai & Schweitzer, 2013; Schaumberg & Flynn, 2012; Flynn & Schaumberg, 2012; Torstveit, Sütterlin & Lugob, 2016)

This list sounds great for the folks who live and work with guilt-prone people, and even for society at large. But what about the guilt-prone individuals themselves? Is there a cost to being so sensitive to other people’s feelings and needs?

Research shows that guilt-prone people are less likely to ask for help, especially if they feel their request will have negative impacts on others (Wiltermuth & Cohen, 2014). But, other than this finding, it seems that mild guilt-proneness has few downsides.

That said, as with most things human, the degree to which we experience something matters greatly. Intense, persistent feelings of guilt—especially if it becomes fused with feelings of shame— can become pathological, resulting in adverse impacts on our health and emotional well-being (Tangney, Burggraf, & Wagner, 1995).

What Are Toxic Guilt and Hyper-Responsibility?

When taken to the extreme, guilt-proneness can become toxic, even spilling over into anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD; Sugiura & Fisak, 2019). This heightened degree of guilt-proneness goes by many names, including hyper-responsibility syndrome, toxic guilt, false responsibility, inflated responsibility, and compulsive responsibility. A chronic and intense state of guilt can lead to emotional distress and physical problems, ranging from back pain to heart disease.

Worst of all, hyper-responsibility is self-reinforcing. The obsession (guilt), leads to the compulsion (taking responsibility), which alleviates the guilt, which in turn reinforces the belief that taking responsibility makes those bad feelings go away. In a sense, taking responsibility becomes an addicting escape from persistent feelings of guilt. What’s more, responsible people also tend to be rewarded by others for being considerate or “saving the day.”

Three Strategies to Stop the Cycle of Toxic Guilt

So, how do hyper-responsible people escape from the cycle of toxic guilt without losing the benefits of mild guilt-proneness? Here are three research-backed strategies:

1. Change your mindset.

Before you can put new tools and habits to good use, it helps to tackle the root problem: mindset. If someone’s ever tried to help you by saying that you should “take on less responsibility” or “worry less about other people,” the advice probably didn’t stick because it quite simply feels wrong. Instead, try a different mindset.

• Think long-term: For starters, it helps to acknowledge that constantly prioritizing the needs of others over our own needs is not sustainable. Before long, we wear ourselves out. The solution? Commit to playing the long game, in which your health and your joy unlock your ability to do more good for others.
• Find symbiosis: Better yet, allow yourself to be one of those people worthy of your own care and consideration. Instead of only making yourself responsible for serving others, make the world equally responsible for taking care of you. As Robin Wall Kimmerer writes, “all flourishing is mutual.”
• Respect others: As caring as hyper-responsibility appears on the surface, it reveals an underlying belief that others aren’t capable of taking care of themselves. Challenge this mindset by respecting the strength and capability that reside in others, and recognize how your actions might even undermine their dignity and their potential to learn and grow.

Guilt Essential Reads

Parental Engagement When an Adult Child Has a Mental Illness

Why Mothers Feel So Guilty, and What to Do About It

2. Change your habits.

Once you begin to believe—even mildly—in the value of finding a more sustainable sense of responsibility, it’s time to start changing your habits. Here are a few adjustments that can make a big impact in very little time:

• Define what “time well-spent” and “good enough” mean to you to prevent constant scope creep.
• Audit all of the responsibilities you’ve taken on, both literal and emotional. List them, then return or release all but a few that truly serve you and others.
• Screen new responsibilities you’re tempted to take on and flag if they will stretch you too thin, cause stress, or create resentment. While the common advice is to say “yes” more in life, your prescription is to say “no” at least once every day.
• Prune your to-do list to no more than three items per day. To minimize guilt even more, do the most important one first.
• Create shifts for yourself, with clear starts and stops for “responsibility time” and “recharge time.” Schedule your recharge time (e.g., hobbies, meditation) and commit to it with the same diligence you give your other responsibilities.
• Set up a “sink in” ritual at the end of each day, taking just two minutes to dwell on small wins you had or meaningful contributions you made.
• Schedule micro-meditations, dedicating 10 minutes every single day to simply sitting and concentrating on your breath.

3. Change your fuel source.

If you are guilt-prone, you are used to relying on guilt as your go-to motivator for taking action because it works! The trick to continuing to take action while minimizing the drawbacks of guilt is to find a healthier motivator. Think of it like upgrading your fuel from coal to a cleaner, more sustainable energy source. Ideally, your new fuel will feel like a positive pull rather than a painful push. Some alternative “fuels” include the following:

• Gratitude: Shift from “I have to do this” to “I can’t believe I get to do this!”
• Wonder: Let yourself get pulled toward action by switching on your sense of wonder, awe, curiosity, and love of learning.
• Joy: Instead of doing good things for others to escape the pain or discomfort of guilt, notice the joy, delight, and playfulness that come from doing things you find meaningful.
• Love: Focus your attention on your love of the individuals you aim to serve. Instead of wasting energy fearing that you’re not doing enough for them, let yourself dwell on how good it feels to help.

As you begin the process of ending your extended guilt trip, don’t be alarmed if your guilt fights back at first. After all, those familiar feelings of guilt and responsibility have had many positive consequences. You might even find yourself in a spiral of feeling guilty for feeling guilty. Just pause, breathe, and label the emotions you’re experiencing. Thank your old guilt for looking out for you, and take one small step toward living a life powered by your new fuel source.