NO MORE: 7 Lessons from the Inside

I have biases. I have worked in prison for the past fifteen years with violent people, including sex offenders. I have been providing dating/sexual/domestic violence prevention workshops, specifically focused on athletes, since 1995. I worked as a bouncer in clubs in New York City as I worked my way through undergrad and saw many men ply women with alcohol in the hopes of taking advantage of them. I have treated thousands of survivors of sexual abuse and rape, as well as perpetrators over the years. I am a sport psychologist who has been one of the few voices from our midst talking about the importance of prevention and cultural change to prevent sexual assault and abuse. I am also the father of three beautiful girls whom I adore. So, admittedly, I have some feelings that intermingle my professional views. That being said, I don’t want to see any more images telling me that sexual and domestic violence are hard to talk about. It is much harder to not talk about it and one could argue that the weekend of the Super Bowl may be the best time to talk about it because Super Bowl Sunday has historically been a day with spikes in domestic violence reports and this year there is a NFL campaign geared towards raising awareness.

What I hope to lay out in this blog post are the 7 most important lessons I have learned that could have a meaningful impact in preventing sexual assault on college campuses throughout the country. They are not presented in an order of importance and most of these issues are complicated and interwoven with each other, but I believe addressing these issues provide a roadmap to incidence reduction.

1. The Concept of Masculinity Amongst Men Must Change – There has long been the understanding that a culture shift is necessary to prevent sexual assaults. That boys are often socialized in hyper-sexualized, misogynistic, female-objectifying norms that expect them to take a woman as they see fit. This largely stems from male insecurity that if you don’t coerce or forcibly take a woman, there would be no reason for her to be interested. Reliably women are attracted to confident men. The truth is that many men have fragile egos with little understanding of who they are and so rather than be honest about it and figure themselves out, they stick out their chests (as they are taught to do), hide their emotions (because that’s a sign of weakness) and try to conquer the world; while sometimes destroying themselves and everyone else in their path.

If we want a different path, from a young age, we need to give boys powerful role models that are confident but not brash. Respectful to the women in their lives and honest about their emotions. The idea that male strength comes from hiding one’s emotions lands squarely on the shoulders of those that believe brawn always beats brains. The toughest guy in prison doesn’t have to fight. And the sign of a strong man is the one who has the courage to examine how he feels, acknowledges his weaknesses, and puts his best foot forward. Just as the sun doesn’t announce that it is rising, the days of the “rah-rah” braggart who steamrolls the world are gone. Boys need to be taught self-respect and respect for others from a young age.

2. Men are Ignorant NOT Stupid – In the process of being raised in a male-dominated society, boys are not trained to keep their keys in their hands when they approach their car at night, or to always park their car in a well-lit area when they go into a mall. Similarly, they have no understanding that for decades, survivors of sexual assault have been revictimized by brutal cross-examinations that throw salt into the rape-kit wounds. They don’t understand that Rape Shield Laws that were designed to protect victims from such evisceration have been feeble. They don’t understand the legal definition of consent (not to mention the interjurisdictional nuances thereof) with regards to age, intoxication, unconsciousness or forcible compulsion (you probably don’t either, so feel free to Google it regarding NY State Article 130 for more information). They don’t understand, primarily because no one taught them, that if at any point, a woman says “no”, even if it is mid-coitus, it means “NO!” and you must stop. In fact, I teach young men that they better be darned sure the answer is “Yes”. If you’re not sure, then stop. They don’t understand that one out of every four women will experience a sexual assault some time over the course of their lives – their mother, their sister, their girlfriend, their wife, their daughter; statistically its 1 out of 4, so the only way it isn’t a man’s issue is if they don’t have women in their life that they care about. They don't understand the consequences that they, the victim, the school, and everyone else can face. And they damn sure don't know what prison is like; nor do they know the experience of having to register as a sex offender for the rest of their lives. It is a problem that won’t go away.

Men need to be taught what jail/prison is like. That you will be held accountable. That coach won't fix it. And "your boys" will not back you up. Men need to learn what being a man is about. But this has to be done in a "non-male bashing way" because men shut down when they hear that. They don't understand why the law is the way it is; how many thousands of victims don't come forward because of the horrific retraumatization of rape kits, cross examinations (which rape shield laws have done little to prevent), why this is their problem....not just women's problem.

3. It’s NOT Greek Life or Being an Athlete – People will point to fraternities and athletes as the groups where the perpetrators accumulate, but it isn’t about pledging or being on a team, directly that causes the problems; it is the factors that are sometime seen in those groups. If you have a group dynamic (where people can deindividuate and just go along with the Groupthink), that objectifies women and encourages maleness by sexual conquest (consent need not be required) with rape-supportive attitudes, and you add alcohol that can loosen the inhibitions of the men and decrease the capacity for consent of the women, you have a situation ripe for rape. Banning or targeting these groups won’t make the problem go away, mitigating the factors will. Especially on college campuses, more aggressive education must be had and it must utilize multiple tools because sexual assault is multiply determined.

4. Bystander Education is Necessary but NOT Sufficient – The most common intervention strategy these days is to change the culture with the hope that a bystander will stand up in opposition to a potential or in-progress sexual assault. The premise seems to ignore the Kitty Genovese story and the diffusion of responsibility. BUT, if you can change the culture and everyone collectively stands against such behavior, there’s a chance right? Well…maybe. Research on Bystander Education seems to indicate that it is as effective as other intervention strategies, but three problems exist with programs that center on this approach. First, you need a complete culture shift that is top-down and bottom-up – where everyone denounces sexual improprieties. The truth is that not many places in our society truly feel that way. The second problem is that when you have a group that has a social stratification, you are unlikely to get a lesser-entitled person to stand up in opposition. The rookie defensive back is less likely to stand up to the captain of the defense if everyone is cow towing to him. It’s possible, but not likely. And the third problem is that some sex offenders are truly psychopathic and don’t give a God damn what society or the culture demands of them. The psychopathic individual will navigate the system to make sure no one can stop them. Unfortunately, there are psychopaths amongst us and stopping them is not easy…fortunately, they’re fairly rare.

I believe education should include Bystander Education as one modality, but the expectation shouldn’t be that another person is going to stand up and stop someone else. The hope is that we can teach accountability of young men and they stop themselves. This can include teaching them about the consequences of their actions (and stronger consequences must be commonplace) to them, to the victim, to the school and all of the different places the ripples fall. We need to correct the sense of entitlement and that a man wanting to be successful with women would have them coming to you, not you coercing or incapacitating them. They need to learn that expulsion, getting kicked off the team, suspension of the fraternity, oh and incarceration, let me tell them what that life is like…

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For universities and sports leagues that want guidance, making the consequences harsh and predictable is critical. It may deter some transgressions, but it still does not undo the damage that is done. So while greater accountability is very important, even more necessary is teaching accountability in more aggressive prevention proactively. We need to attack the many contributing factors. And when a rape occurs, we need to take care of the victim. Oh, and because many sex offenders will re-offend, treatment needs to be offered to decrease the likelihood of more victims.

5. Women Presenting to Men is Heard as Male-Bashing - My experience is that many men are very resistant to education from women on this....even when the presenter is outstanding. I mentioned above that young men are bombarded with mandates from uber-males; their friends, teammates, coaches….yes, and society giving them horrible advice. That being said, men often hear women presenting on sexual violence prevention as “male bashing” and that makes the lessons fall on deaf ears. They will often listen more attentively to a man than a woman…it ain’t right…but it is real. It feels safer for them to be taught how to be a man by a man. Men will often defensively hear a woman’s guidance as castration. It doesn’t have to be, but it often is. The best set of circumstances is when a male and female present together. In this situation the male can offset the “male-bashing” accusation while they also can appropriately model male-female interactions.

6. Sex Offenders are a Heterogeneous Group – One-size fits all approaches don’t work very often for any problem. Many researchers have used rape-supportive attitudes as a predictive factor of sexual assault. This doesn’t help really because the connection between attitudes and behavior is imperfect. Just as there are men that see women as need-gratifying part objects that are the subject of their pornographic fantasies, though they never transgress, there are also men who truly believe they are egalitarian and in the right circumstances may push a boundary that would seem uncharacteristic. Take that one step further, and you realize that men who commit sexual offenses are not all operating with the same dynamics, the same psychology and have the same modus operandi. There are some men that are survivors of sexual abuse and their offending is part of their traumatic sequelae, they are trying to master the incident so as to no longer be enslaved by it. There are some that are cognitively limited or have severe social intelligence deficits who don’t appreciate the rightness or wrongness of what they are doing. There are some who are in an active manic episode and have never been diagnosed or have been non-compliant with their medications and are sexually preoccupied, expansive, and are acting primally. There are those that will commit incest but never touch a stranger. Some who will only look for strangers. Some who will try to manipulate people they know so as to eventually set the stage for their sexual encounter. There are some narcissists who think they really are doing the girl a favor by gracing them with their sexual presence…and may even believe offering a ride home afterwards is a sign of chivalry. And there are psychopaths who will hunt, use whatever they have to in order to get what they want, and truly have no conscience to steer them away from society’s norms…they are inconsequential to them. Thus, with so many different dynamics at work (and this was not an exhaustive list), it is unlikely that a single approach on a single occasion will have a meaningful impact.

A colleague of mine who has a great deal of experience in sex offender risk assessments once explained the process of predicting sexual reoffense like predicting tornadoes. You may know how many are going to happen, you may have a general time-frame of when it is going to happen, and you may have a general idea of what region of the state they are going to hit, but good luck predicting the exact time a tornado is going to touch down and where. Low base rate crimes are notorious for this. We are not terribly good at predicting who will commit a sex offense, where and when; and they don’t happen often…even though they have devastating after-effects. Because of these factors, eradicating the behavior is daunting. We may have already prevented plenty. However, because one is too many, we will always be trying to reduce the incidence further.

7. Sworn Law Enforcement Should Investigate All Sexual Assault Reports - Universities are not well equipped or trained to investigate sexual assault. This is a fact that is only further compounded by the institution’s loyalties to their brand or shield, more so than to justice and protection of potential victims. When I am brought in for speaking engagements, sometimes it feels more like a risk management campaign than a desire to protect students. With the potential money that rape can cost universities due to sexual assaults being litigated as Title IX violations, the concern is well placed. If you follow the dollar, and check the history of universities’ handling of sex crime investigations, it becomes clear that campus security who report to the Dean of Students (and often are inefficient anyway) should not be doing the investigations.

On campus or off, an allegation of sexual assault should be immediately placed in the hands of sworn law enforcement that are trained to investigate sex crimes. Police officers report to the criminal justice system and it should be the prosecutor’s office who determines whether criminal charges should follow. Under the best of circumstances, rape investigations are very delicate, chain of evidence is easy to mishandle, expedience, efficiency and thoroughness are key, and it is critical to protect the victim from being revictimized by the process.

This is not to say that police never screw up investigations (see O.J. Simpson) or that high-ranking school officials and boosters cannot influence local law enforcement (see FSU and Jameis Winston), we've seen that too many times), but I would still prefer to take my chances with those who are sworn in to enforce the law than those who have no such mandate.

I hope that my seven points above led you to stop and consider the factors that contribute to the problem of sexual assault on campus. You may not agree with my discussion. You may feel that I left out angles that you consider more poignant. If so, please talk about it. With me. With your friends. With your families. With your kids. With your sons. With anyone around you that wants to be a part of the solution. This is a problem that we need to fix. Not one more victim. I don’t want to hear people demonstrating how hard it is to talk about these issues. I have been doing it for almost two decades, when many people didn’t want to. I have yet to give a presentation and not have someone in the audience come up to me afterwards and thank me before disclosing their sexual assault history; often for the first time. Too many victims out there. We cannot remain silent. I don’t care if it is hard. It is much harder to not talk about this. On a very basic level, I question if it is right to remain silent. Let’s put an end to this.