Managing Expectations With Neurodivergent Children

We raise our children with certain expectations. We have hopes and dreams that we want them to achieve. We imagine their future career, spouse, and children.

But, most of the time, reality isn’t in line with the above, especially if your child is neurodivergent. They may not go to college. They may not make you a grandparent. And all of this is OK.

Do you find yourself embarrassed when sharing information about your neurodivergent child? Are you insecure because they aren’t meeting the same goals as your friends’ children? If you answered yes, please know it’s OK to have these feelings. However, it's what we do with these feelings that matters. First, make peace with yourself and recognize that expectations are only beliefs.

Focus on Your Child and Their Needs

At a certain point, we must make peace with who our children are and what they may accomplish in life, especially if they have an intellectual developmental disability. Don't try to fit your child into a mold based on someone else’s child.

I read a fantastic line recently that spoke to me: “We didn’t have children to live up to our standards—we want them to live their own lives.” This rings so true. Our children are not a redo of our lives; they exist to live their own lives! We can’t pressure them into believing they exist to do what we want.

I know this isn’t easy, and speaking from experience, I struggle with managing my expectations every day. My neurodivergent daughter has attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and isn’t in college anymore. She started, hated it, and dropped out. I’ll admit, it made me mad. The important thing was that she didn’t know I was angry. I’ve made peace with the fact that college isn’t her path. I repeatedly tell her, “As long as you're doing something productive that makes you happy, I'm happy and proud.” Is that easy for me? No. But is it what she needs to hear? Absolutely. My job as a parent is to support her no matter what.

Don’t Compare One Child to Another

I also remember another excellent piece of advice I received years ago: Don’t compare your child to other children—even your own. I would never say, “One of your sisters is finishing her master’s degree and another is starting college in the fall.” Will that motivate my neurodivergent child to go back to college? Highly unlikely. Will it hurt her? Yes, of course. Therefore, comparisons to your other children are useless. It’s also important to remember that comparisons in your head are just as meaningless. Forget all the other kids (including your own), forget what the books say, and ask yourself some simple questions: What is reasonable to expect from this child? What are their abilities, needs, and accomplishments?

Learn From Other Neurodivergent Children

I facilitate a group in one of our programs at Ohel for individuals with mental health challenges. Some young men and women in their 20s share their struggles with parental relationships and how they’re suffocating under the weight of parental expectations. Many say their mental health is impacted because their parents don’t like the way they dress, their level of education, or where they live. We also have a group of mothers in the room who constantly share how much they love their adult children and wish they could spend more time with them. I listen to these moms every week as they encourage these young adults to be themselves—and that they aren’t a burden or disappointment to their mothers. Every week, the young adults say, “You mean that, but my mother doesn’t. I didn’t hear it from her, so I can’t believe you.” Every single week, I leave, and I’m in tears. When I get home, I find my daughter and hug her.

Focusing on love and acceptance will always win over your expectations. And your child will benefit in the long run.