Father's Day Is Coming

What I am writing about applies to both Mother’s Day that has passed and now Father’s Day that will be here next week. These are days that can cause great difficulty for school age children one of whose parents has died. If both parents have died then what I have to say applies to these children even more. Fortunately this is a less frequent occurrence.

What are these holidays about? Over time they have become a time to celebrate the joy of having a parent to whom we are grateful for caring for us and helping us grow. What is there to celebrate if a parent has died? It becomes even more difficult when there are children in grade school. This is a time when there is often a focus on making cards or gifts for the children’s mother or father. How to make a card for a parent who is no longer alive? I have heard many stories about the kind of difficulties this can create for children whose teacher is unaware of their parent’s death or who insists that the child can then make a card for someone else without considering that this may not be acceptable to the child.

This is an opportunity for the surviving parent to talk with the teacher in anticipation of the holiday, and what it can mean to the student. These conversations have often been very successful. But what are adequate alternative plans. Asking your children is a first step in deciding what to do. I know of families who have taken the card, with flowers, to the parent’s grave where they spent time talking about memories of things they did with this parent. Others have found a place that you knew the parent enjoyed and go there to talk about him or her. A walk on the beach is one example, or a visit to a ball game, are things that the deceased parent may have enjoyed, as is a visit to a favorite ice cream parlor or something like that.

What is the focus of these days? It is a time for thinking about who this parent was. What do we know about his or her story, that is their history? What pleased him or her? What did she like to do? What may have made their father or mother angry? How did they each tell their children that he or she approved of what they were doing, or disapproved? What music did he like? What were her favorite colors? It is a time for remembering, for telling stories about the now dead parent. It may be a good time for developing a family ritual for honoring him or her, that can be a religious activity, a dinner at home that he or she was very fond of, or simply reminiscing. Talking about how their mother met their father may be something that would otherwise be lost.

In many instances grieving families with grieving children are relatively young and the parents of the deceased, that is the children’s grand parents may still be alive. These are not easy days for them either. For many knowing that their grandchildren want to learn about the dead parent can be very comforting and talking about him or her might be difficult, but in the long run can give them great pleasure.

As a grieving parent this is not an easy time for you either. If the death is new the pain is still raw. As you try to respond to your children’s needs, together you can begin to set up rituals and customs that will help to ease the pain over time. This helps in its way to appreciate that all of you are hurting, but that you do have ways of helping each other that will serve you well over time.