When Teachers Face Grief in the Classroom

I saw an interesting movie yesterday, Monsieur Lazhar. This is a French Canadian film about how an elementary school, the students and their parents face the death of a teacher. The focus was on the children’s reaction and the way their grief was recognized, or perhaps closer to the truth, not really recognized.. This was compounded by the fact that the teacher who had died had committed suicide, and did it in the classroom where the children were at risk of finding her body. Of course a student was the first to discover the body and report it to the prncipal .This is a very unusual occurrence, one that hopefully could only happen in the fiction of a movie. However, the fact that there was a death and the way the children’s grief was handled was all too real. It struck me that this could have happened with any kind of death and in most classrooms. While the movie takes place in Montreal, Canada, what we saw in the parent’s reactions and in the way the death and the children’s grief was handled could also have happened anywhere in the United States as well. The class whose teacher had died now had a new teacher, Monsieur Lazhar. He was told he could not talk about the death. This was the job of the psychologist who was going to meet with the class and who was the expert when it comes to dealing with grief. The psychologist did not know the class. When Monsieur Lazhar eavesdrop on her meeting with the class he heard her talking about First nation (Indigenou Indians) customs and ritual about death. When Monsieur Lazhar tries tries tell the psychologist that the children are very sad, she does not talk about this with him, but abruptly tells him that this is not an illness. I would agree that indeed grief is not an illness and therefore there is no cure but this was not a sufficient answer. He wanted help in acknowledging his students sadness and how help them cope. This was not forthcoming. Monsieur Lazhar shares with the principal that he is concerned for his students whose teacher’s death is still a very real issue. One of the students wrote about her feelings and he wanted to read what she wrote to the class. The principal said that the parents forbade the subject from being discussed with their children, by anyone except the psychologist and the psychologist’s time was limited.

I thought about my blog and about what would be the reaction of the grieving parent’s whom I reach. What do you expect from the classroom teacher, from the school when your child returns to school after the death of a parent or a sibling? I cannot talk about what happens in other countries but in this country there is almost nothing in a teachers training that prepares him or her to discuss grief with their classes. In this instance parents cannot assume that the teacher knows best. However, you need your child’s teacher’s opinion about how to handle the class’s reactions. There are grief counselors available to many schools for a limited period of time after the death. But it is the classroom teacher who has to deal with the children’s questions, their sadness, and at times an unexpected outburst of tear from a bereaved child. Teachers need to be able to tolerate the pain that is often in the room at such times, they need to learn to listen and to comfort.

This is often a very awkward time for school age children. In these grades children are in the same class most of the day. Bereaved children often do not know how to put their feelings into words, they are not always sure they want to be the center of attention in their class even for a moment. They are often unprepared for the sadness that may overwhelm them. On the other hand they do want to have their grief acknowledged by their peers. This can provide them with some comfort. Yet, on the other hand they don’t want to feel different from the rest of the class. It works well when the teacher can talk to the class beforehand, when the class can be told that acknowledging the death is appropriate, and even practice what would be nice to say, given the circumstances. Children may also need to know that a child who is grieving may not be crying all the time. There will be times when their sadness overwhelms them and there may be times when they enjoy playing and laughing.

You may need to test out the teacher to see if you feel that she/he is comfortable with talking about a death, especially that of a parent or a sibling. This is at a time, of course when you are grieving and dealing with feeling you may never have felt before. We cannot ignore the fact that teachers often have similar life cycle experiences. When they share this with their grieving student, students have reported that this information makes it easier for them to talk to a teacher. They know that the teacher will understand. There is something special about talking to someone who has had a similar experience.

The need to educate high school teachers is equally important. However, here a bereaved child most often moves from class to class. You need to find a teacher who knows your child best and who can reach into his or her friendship network. Again, at a time when you are least able, you need to find out how and who to reach in your child’s school. If your child or spouse has been ill for sometime, the school may be prepared for the bad news. Most importantly, you may want to ask your child how she or he wants the school to know, and what would be most helpful. Often they have a key friend or friends who they would turn to for support; often they may not have thought about what would be appropriate and you may have to listen over time to see how this changes. However, the school, through the principal, a guidance counselor or a favorite teacher does need to know.

We need to ask ourselves if we have gotten past the age when people thought that the best way to help a child is to protect him from death, not to take them to family funerals, not to let him console a friend when this friend has a death in the family. I grew up in that kind of family who thought they were helping and protecting us. I went to my first family funeral when I was 28. My professional life changed my personal life. In fact we now know that we help children by involving them in all aspect of family life while keeping in mind how old they are and how they learn at their specific age. It is also important to let teachers and classmates know that they are welcome at the funeral and the religious service, that they are also welcome to at the home. Children do appreciate having friends visit.

We know that, more often than we like to acknowledge, children are very often exposed to a death in their family or in a friends family. This information cannot be overlooked. Is it possible to plan programs , on how children react to a death, not only for teachers but for the families sending children to that school? It can be very helpful to bring families together to talk about their own reactions and that of their children. The focus can be on how families and children can help each other. These meetings can help people feel comfortable when facing an issue that no one wants to touch.