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Key points
- Daymares are the waking version of nightmares.
- Imagination is a super power, but it can be positive or negative.
- Learn to filter thoughts by asking "What is the utility of this thought?"
You might feel like an imposter.
You think something terrible is going to happen...
You think you left your door unlocked as you try to fall asleep and imagine the robbers in your home.
You get a voice mail from your supervisor saying he needs to talk with you, and right away you get anxious and think you may have done something wrong. From there the thoughts flood in, "am I getting fired?" "I could lose my home and my marriage!"
After a routine doctor’s appointment, lab results come in with a red flag, and right away you think, "I might have some serious life-threatening sickness." You start envisioning your funeral and how your family will struggle without you.
A friend seemed annoyed with you, and you imagine all the various ways you might be a horrible person. You think about all the terrible things you might have done and how all your friends will soon come to know "the real you."
Understanding Daymares
Imagination is a human super-power, but it can go wrong as easily as it can go right. People daydream all the time, but in some cases, daydreams turn negative and can make your heart pound. One pattern I see often in people who are either anxious, depressed, or have ADHD, is the inclination to go down negative thought spirals. I have labeled these catastrophic thoughts "daymares," as the daytime/daydream version of a nightmare. These can be based in reality, feel real, and be scary. Daymares can recur many times a day, leaving you feeling worried, tired, and even petrified of some imagined disaster. They can get scary enough to make people take action, like call their doctor or boss for assurance, or check their blood pressure, the locks, or the stove one more time. Most importantly, people take action to end the uncertainty that allows imagined possibilities to flourish.
The 7 Most Important Words for Anxious People: "What is the Utility of this Thought?"
Scary thoughts really come in two varieties; useful and not useful. The immediate solution that has helped so many of my patients is asking one fundamental question: "What is the utility of this thought?"
This question is an essential part of "talking to your fears," rather than just running from them.
Two outcomes emerge from this question:
1. Actionable thoughts. These are thoughts that are useful. For example, the thought that you might be late for a project deadline or unprepared for an exam can compel you to do something about it. In these cases, the anxious thoughts have utility, reminding us to prepare or get something done. These thoughts are more easily actionable because they are rooted in reality and have tangible steps for actions which will help to relieve the anxiety.
or
2. "Stabbing thoughts." These are thoughts that are not useful. For example, there is really no use in repeatedly thinking about some awful label you have assigned yourself or some terrible outcome that might occur. Mantras like, "I am such a failure," or "I can never get anything right," or daymares with a very dark ending for you (like getting fired, etc) are not useful. There is actually not much to be done with these thoughts. More often than not, they make you feel scared, unpleasant, sad, or hopeless. These are the thoughts that are catastrophic because they go many steps past what is real, and are often exaggerated by your imagination. Spinning the same thought over and over in your head is called rumination. I call these repeating negative thoughts "stabbing thoughts," because they are the mental equivalent of repeatedly stabbing yourself with a fork; they are painful, repetitive, and there is not much point to them. The reason these thoughts return is because they get a rise out of you and freak you out. The trick is to catch them and label them for what they are. Track the stories you tell yourself. You might not detect or stop all of them, but having awareness is a great start.
Intrusive Thoughts (and Images)
People with OCD can experience "intrusive negative thoughts," which are more dramatic and easier to recognize. Here’s a couple of examples: While chopping vegetables on a cutting board, a woman has visions of cutting her husband's throat with the knife; a nursing mother has intrusive thoughts of throwing her crying infant against a wall; a man thinks about what would happen if he turned the steering wheel and drove his car off a cliffside road.
Intrusive thoughts often seem to come out of the blue. The people who have them tend to feel ashamed and scared of them and would never act on them. However, the more the thoughts scare them, the more they come back. In many cases, just talking with someone about them is helpful. The people who had these intrusive thoughts came to understand that sometimes we get irrational thoughts, and that the scarier they are and more secret we keep them (often out of fear or shame), the more they come back to haunt you.
You would be astonished at how many people experience wild fantasies or daymares like this. Most people know they would never act on these fantasies, but they live with a constant feeling of "but what if..." The more scary or disturbing the thoughts are, the more they seem to return.
Daymares are powerful. They recur because they scare you, and part of that is actually a dopamine hit that makes them recur, unpleasant as they may be. In my work, half the cure for these thoughts is to put light on them. Ask "what is the utility of this thought?" Or journal — write down your scariest expectations and possibly a positive counter-point. Talk to a friend or therapist about them. The more you can take the "bite" out of these thoughts, the less they return. Secrecy and shame are the most dangerous, because they give the thoughts tremendous importance, and this will make them recur more.
Don't Zap Yourself Repeatedly
People can have a strange addiction to pain, and stabbing thoughts or daymares are definitely painful. One experiment gave people a choice of either sitting quietly in a room or zapping themselves (painfully) with an electric buzzer. Most people went for the pain! "67% of men and 25% of women chose to painfully zap themselves with electricity rather than just sit there and think or be bored. There really can be a compulsion to feel pain. Like rubber-necking at a car accident. You probably won't like what you will see... so why do you keep looking?
If the negative thoughts are too much to handle, as with depressed or significantly anxious people, or if they happen too often, speak to a professional soon. In milder cases, strive to filter the thoughts by asking "what is their utility?" Identify and stop the useless or hurtful ones in their tracks. Build your self-confidence with self-talk, "I don't welcome that type of thinking," or "I am choosing a more positive alternative." It's the emotional equivalent of eating healthy. You can choose the salad over the french fries.
Mindfulness meditation, exercise, and journaling can be very helpful. Getting adequate sleep improves your impulse control. This really helps you stay in the driver's seat, with an improved ability to see and avoid these negative spirals. The RAIN method for dealing with these thoughts is another useful tool. It stands for R- recognize the thought, A-accept the thought, I-investigate the thought, N- non-identification (let the thought go). All of this sheds light on the fear, and curiosity helps. Read more about RAIN here.
For more information, be sure to check out my post on "Bingeing on Negativity" and also "Unwinding Anxiety," by Judson Brewer. Lastly, as a caveat, if you or someone you know is having recurrent thoughts of harm to self or others, it is always good to check in with a health professional to be safe.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
