The Importance of Asking Why

Source: Damian Navas/Flickr, CC 2.0

Helping professionals know that it's often wise to dig beneath the surface, to ask why.

Of course, too much digging into your own motives can lead to excessive introspection. And too much probing of other people can make you as annoying as the child who asks why 1,000 times a day.

The following "why" questions can help you understand yourself better and, if you're trying to understand another person, provide wordings that make it less likely that you'll be perceived as invasive.

After each question, I offer a few possible answers that demonstrate how helpful such questions can be. They're drawn from my clients, friends, and me. Note that most of the questions don't actually use the word "why." That's because it's a word that can seem accusatory or like you're interrogating.

You often seem unhappy (or angry). What do you think is behind that?

• It feels mainly physiological, like it's my nature.
• I feel the world has shortchanged me.
• I feel like a loser.

You seem unhappy in our relationship. What’s going on, really?

• It’s me: I feel like I don’t deserve you. I’m embarrassed about myself.
• I’m feeling a little smothered.
• I’m a bit resentful that I’m bringing in all the income and you spend a lot.

What do you think is the main reason you want to have a baby?

• Honestly, my friends are having babies and I have a fear of missing out.
• I want someone to love and to love me.
• It feels almost like a biological imperative.

What do you think is the root reason you’re a passionate liberal (or conservative, libertarian, whatever)?

• That’s how I was brought up.
• I believe government should redistribute more to the poor.
• Our bubble is like that.

Any idea why you tend to do most things quite quickly (or slowly)?

• I’m just wired that way.
• I think I’m addicted to adrenaline.
• I have a fear of dying and want to cram in as much as I can.

You told me that you sometimes cut ethical corners at work. Any idea what’s behind that?

• I dunno. (Ahem) Honestly, I guess it’s because I feel I can get away with it.
• Come on, everyone cheats a little. It’s not like I’m robbing anyone.
• I’m scared that I’m not good enough if I play strictly by the rules.

Any idea why you often lose your temper?

• I dunno. I just go from 0 to 60 in one second.
• I have high standards and get angry when someone, including me, does something stupid or lazy.
• I guess it's, because I'm not secure enough to be tolerant of others.

What do you think is behind your envying people's fancy house, car, whatever?

• Those things signify that a person has made it. They engender respect.
• What am I working so hard for if not to get nice things?
• That’s the game: S/he with the most toys wins.

What’s the main reason you want to lose weight?

• I want to be healthy.
• I want to look sexy.
• I want to be better at sports.
• There's bias against overweight people: If I lose weight, I’ll be better-perceived at work.

What do you like best about living here?

• There’s something about being near water.
• I like the cultural opportunities.
• I love small towns' low cost of living, lack of traffic, low crime, good schools, little noise or light pollution, and the sense of community.

Have any idea why you like to spend so much (or so little) time alone?

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• With people, I’m always worried about having nothing to say or that I'll say the wrong thing. It’s exhausting.
• I like being able to do what I want. When I’m with people, it’s all about compromise.
• I don’t do well when I’m overstimulated.
• I tend to rub people the wrong way.

What makes you love gardening?

• I love seeing the miracle of growth.
• If you make a mistake, you can start over, no biggie.
• It’s fun being outside and getting my hands dirty, plus it’s decent exercise.
• It’s a break from all my brain work.

Why do you overeat (or abuse a substance)?

• I’m impulsive.
• I like the feeling.
• I’m bored.
• I feel I deserve a reward.

The takeaway

So, if you've now asked yourself those questions, did you derive an insight or two about yourself? You may not want to ask other people all these "why" questions, but are there one or two that you'd like to ask someone, perhaps your partner?

I read this aloud on YouTube.