When It’s Wise to Embrace Our Inner Sociopath

Do you feel stuck living a life that doesn’t quite fit? Do you deny yourself opportunities to change out of fear it might disappoint someone close to you? Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own? Do you also suffer from depression, anxiety, overeating, or other unhelpful addictive habits? If so, you might suffer from a tendency towards people-pleasing. Maybe it’s time to embrace your inner sociopath to break out of then rut!

The Good and Bad Sides to People-Pleasing

People-pleasing goes hand in hand with several common mental health complaints like depression, anxiety, eating, and substance use disorders. In its extreme forms, it can worsen mental health and impede recovery by fueling resentment, fear, guilt, demoralization, and relapse.

On the other hand, there are some good sides to being a people-pleaser: individuals with these tendencies are also more likely to be empathetic than most and place a high value on building connections with others and community.

The Good and Bad Sides to Sociopathy

In the same way, sociopathic traits can be both helpful and harmful. On the one hand, callousness and the inability to feel empathy or guilt can impede a person’s ability to form healthy relationships. Difficulty distinguishing right from wrong can give way to the victimization of others or run-ins with the law. Eschewing responsibility can make it hard to keep a job. But, for the high-functioning sociopath, whose intelligence levels are high and impulsivity in check, these traits can lead to success in many realms of life.

People-Pleasers and Sociopaths – On Opposite Ends of a Spectrum?

The term “people-pleaser” and “high-functioning sociopath” are essentially colloquial, but both are useful terms because they describe personality types that many of us recognize. A close examination of the characteristics of these two personalities reveals that they may lie on opposite ends of a continuum of human behavior. A people-pleaser avoids conflict, craves validation, has difficulty saying no, and puts their own needs below everyone else’s. A sociopath eschews responsibility, has little empathy, and almost always acts for their gains.

Further supporting this notion, people-pleasing and sociopathy also may lie on opposite ends of a biological spectrum. On the one hand, elevated dopamine release and brain type-2 dopamine receptor levels (DRD2) and reduced brain activation during moral decision-making and stress are associated with social dominance and sociopathy.

On the other hand, reduced dopamine activity, low DRD2 levels, and heightened brain activation during these types of tasks are associated with conflict avoidance, obesity and anxiety, and substance use disorders.

So, for a people-pleaser who’s struggling to change their ways – couldn’t some of these sociopathy-linked traits be worth cultivating? Might that help bring them closer to the middle?

What Can People Pleasers Learn From Sociopaths?

If you’re someone who struggles with people-pleasing, and you’re trying to get well, here are some things to consider.

• It’s ok to put yourself first, even if it affects another person’s well-being or happiness.
• Breaking the rules sometimes and taking more risks can facilitate much-needed change.
• Resisting the inclination to take responsibility for everything could give you the space you need to pursue your interests and goals.

So maybe those with people-pleasing tendencies should think about embracing the dark side from time to time and act for themselves. Although we might see more conflict initially, it could make our lives better and improve our relationships in the long run.

The Middle Ground

If you think you need to get your people-pleasing under control, I’m not advocating that you go to extremes and become a criminal mastermind or hired assassin. Assertiveness is not the same as aggression, and manipulation and lying are seldom helpful. And I certainly don’t suggest you befriend your local neighborhood bully or con-man (people-pleasers are especially susceptible to being taken advantage of).

What I am saying, is that people-pleasers may have some things to learn from sociopaths. So maybe go out and rent Ocean’s Eleven or read a good white-collar crime mystery – or something similar.

What You Can Do to Help Yourself Break Free

It’s not easy to relinquish a people-pleasing habit. But there are ways to build that muscle if you want to learn how to live more for yourself and less for others.

Sociopathy Essential Reads

Sociopath: A Memoir

6 Reasons It's Hard to Recognize a Sociopathic Parent

Working with a therapist can be an essential first step. People-pleasers often aren’t aware of their own needs and values, having spent much of their lives suppressing and avoiding feelings. Most models of therapy encourage and facilitate self-discovery.

Next, do more of this: ask for, or take, what you want. Assertiveness training is a part of many self-help books and therapy manuals, especially those rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy principles. It can teach you how to best communicate your needs and desires to the people around you and will help you set effective boundaries.

Studies show that assertiveness training improves outcomes for psychiatric disorders like social anxiety disorder, which is riddled with people-pleasing characteristics. Non-violent communication is another highly effective approach that teaches people to communicate their wants and needs without escalating conflict.

Finally, athletic training and physical exercise might restore brain chemistry and make breaking the habit easier. Recall that higher levels of the DRD2 receptor make animals more dominant and humans psychologically stronger. One study showed that people with methamphetamine use disorder could boost the DRD2 levels in their brains by taking part in a rigorous exercise program. However, whether or not this would translate to giving people an easier time asserting themselves remains to be seen.

In Conclusion

It just might be that people-pleasers could benefit from letting their inner sociopaths out to play a little more frequently. Remember, “no” is a complete sentence – you don’t have to justify anything you don’t want to do. Your life is yours.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.