How to Stop Internalizing

Internalizing is blinking away your upset or needs in the service of keeping the peace with others in your life. This could range from dealing with an employee or a boss to interacting with your spouse, children, and friends. Whatever the situation, you look at the person talking to you and prioritize what they need to hear from you, over what’s occurring in your own mind and body.

In an effort to not disappoint, rock the boat, or cause conflict, you swallow your true feelings. This pattern starts in early family life and, over time, can become the only tool you have to manage relationships. You may give yourself a variety of excuses for why you elevate the needs and emotions of others over your own—you are tough, you can deal with it, or you need to process the situation and will come back to it, or maybe you aren’t connected with yourself in the moment so you don’t even know what you’re truly feeling—these rationales keep your feelings suppressed.

When you internalize, you sacrifice the long term for the short term. In the moment, you are liked and you keep things easy for the other person. In the longer term, however, you feel exhausted and burned out by your relationships. You may find yourself replaying conversations in your mind. You may be resentful of people, wishing they’d see you and your needs more and wondering what’s wrong with them that they keep treating you a certain way. You may have a lot of people in your life but still feel empty and unfulfilled.

Physical and Emotional Effects

Internalizing is associated with a host of physical as well as emotional difficulties. They include anxiety, depression, medical conditions, and even earlier mortality. In addition, loneliness is an epidemic, with more than a billion people saying they feel alone. The highest rates are for young adults. When you internalize, you separate yourself—you may be surrounded by others but, in your head, you feel alone and under siege. On the one hand, you want to keep others content, but, on the other, you have your thoughts or difficult feelings churning on the inside.

Expressing Yourself in the Moment

It can be overwhelming to experience some combination of these symptoms. You are around others yet disconnected, feeling empty and confused. You may diagnose yourself with a mental health disorder, like anxiety, or come to believe you have a medical condition, like high blood pressure. For many, however, there’s an in-the-moment remedy that as you implement will make a world of difference—learn to express your real self in the moment. This means you state what you can and can’t agree to in terms of your beliefs or ability to do for others.

Expressing yourself in the moment is exceptionally powerful and is a counter to many negative symptoms. Do it and you will walk away feeling lighter and restored in some way. You will sense the presence of a more authentic version of yourself. Instead of wishing you’d said something differently or feeling resentful or alone, you feel set free to be your real self. Most importantly, the more you express your real self, the more meaningful connections in your life will display themselves in high definition. You’ll see that the presence of your real self deepens an interaction, that you feel closer to people, or that someone is now more interested or curious about your needs than you had originally thought. You’ll learn that people aren’t as fragile as you imagine and can handle you—your feelings or even your need to let them down or disappoint on occasion.

It’s also true that some won’t get this more real version of you. You probably have some connections who like that you put yourself to the side and elevate them. It can be a vulnerable feeling to put yourself out there and not feel as if that self is acknowledged or valued. Still, it’s important to know where you stand with people so you don’t waste precious resources of time and energy on folks who can’t see you fully.

Here are four techniques to stop internalizing and start directly communicating your needs, emotions, and boundaries with others:

1. What is it you fear? What does it mean about you as a person if you don’t immediately cave in and give people what they want, or if you set a boundary with a person? What is it you fear will occur? For example, maybe you fear it means you’re selfish, or you will be abandoned, or you will be judged harshly. Or you fear you won’t have any friends or you will be alone. Do you feel like you have to be a pleaser to keep people close?
2. Challenge these thoughts. Can you think of other times in your life when you’ve been open and it’s gone well? Can you think about authenticity as a tool to bring you closer to other people? Can you think about how emotions, when expressed, actually go away, and we feel lighter and better? Consider that perhaps your relationships will be less burdensome and more fulfilling if you express your true self.
3. Take time to connect with your inner world. Many don’t even realize they’re internalizing until days after an interaction or only after the accumulation of stress over time. It’s important to start connecting with yourself, even just for five minutes a day. Check in with your body. How are you feeling? What’s troubling you? What do you need from close others that perhaps you’re not getting at the moment? Are you overextended? Do you need to pull back and put a boundary down with someone?
4. Exposure: Start doing it. People struggle to be more open because they fear the consequences. The most potent way around this is to start doing it so you can see the benefits. Remember you can say things in a warm and kind manner, but make sure you say what you’re really thinking and feeling, and you’ll see the results quickly.