On-the-Spot Emotional Expression

You can spend a tremendous amount of time with someone, even build an entire life together, and yet not really know each other on a deep and intimate level. Usually, this is because you aren’t expressing your true self and/or your partner isn’t expressing their true self. People do this for many reasons, but the main underlying reasons are a fear of being vulnerable, of being seen, and of creating unwanted consequences as a result.

People fear their partner will leave them or that they will have more conflict if they express their negative feelings. People fear their partner won’t like them or will think negatively of them. As a result, they squelch the negative emotion. In the long run, however, when you do this, you go largely unknown by the person you spend your life with. You feel alone and empty, and as a result, your life may not reflect your deeper self.

Here are four ways to communicate your emotions:

1. Try to start saying what you’re feeling the moment you recognize you’re feeling something. When your stomach clinches, when you find yourself repeating an interaction in your mind, when you notice yourself pull back, or you feel resentful…just say it. People often don’t do this because it’s messy but feelings are never perfectly rational, you need your partner to help you understand and to feel better. When you know something is wrong but you’re not sure what, it’s okay to just say “I am upset but not sure why.”
2. Own your emotions as yours, without blame of your partner: “I am having a reaction…” “I am noticing I am feeling….” “I am confused and upset and need to talk through my feelings…” Try as much as possible not to lead with criticism and judgment of your partner. When we start interactions this way it just puts others on the defensive and it rarely ends well. The goal is not to win or make your partner feel awful, the goal is to be authentic and real about what’s going on for you.
3. Accept that there may not be a resolution. So often when I encourage a person I work with to tell their partner how they feel, they tell me: “What’s the point? Nothing’s going to change.” If we only express our feelings to change people, then we’re missing the bigger picture. As I describe in Overcoming Stress Induced Brain Fog, expressing how you really feel is essential for you to have a peaceful and valued sense of yourself. Do it just for you.
4. Recognize when your partner makes you feel badly about yourself. If you’ve spent time in your relationship squelching what you really feel then your partner is not used to you having emotional needs. Too, they may even not want or know how to deal with your emotional side. If you’re not blaming but sharing and continually feel unheard, criticized, or even emotionally abused as a result, you may be with someone that doesn’t really want or have the capacity to do the work of building an emotionally intimate union.