The Dark Side of Being Goal-Driven

What starts as earnest ambition and a healthy desire to succeed can quickly become a constant effort to problem-solve and plan for every foreseeable outcome. Working to fix and overengineer to such an extent leaves people unable to relax. As a result, for a sense of relief, they often have to numb out by way of alcohol, overeating, bingeing on TV, etc.

Missing from this pinball bouncing between over-fixing and numbing out is having true meaning, connection, and feeling present in one’s life. Over the years, too much caffeine, not enough sleep, and around-the-clock micromanaging leave people entirely depleted and cut off from the things that make life worth living.

If you notice you’re in this pattern, take a step back. Ask yourself if deep down you believe that to be successful in your work, family, or social pursuits you need to be “on it” all of the time. Are you anticipating which shoe will drop next? Are you perpetually planning in your head? Are you engaging in problem-solving for a disproportionate amount of your day-to-day life?

There’s nothing wrong with working hard but if the ratio is more in the overengineering direction than in the meaning, connection, and belonging direction, you might be less happy and less focused than you deserve and could be.

Here are three steps that will bring greater clarity and well-being while you also pursue your goals for success. For more, check out my recently released book, Overcoming Stressed Induced Brain Fog.

1. Start a daily relaxation ritual: It can feel like the only way to stay on top of things is to sprint through your tasks and responsibilities. This kind of dedication and perpetually “taking the bull by the horns” may feel like success and productivity. In reality, people who are highly successful have a mechanism to relax and unplug that, unlike numbing out, is rejuvenating. Allowing yourself a relaxation ritual makes it more likely that you can smoothly get into a flow when you do return to your work. A flow state is not based on grit but a more present and embodied approach to tasks that allows you to find a measure of joy in your work. Start with 10 minutes of noticing and observing your breath or a 10-minute walk where you observe nature.
2. Pause: Many who are obsessively goal-driven believe they need to run at 100 mph, crash at night, and then the next day immediately put the pedal to the metal. Start undoing this wiring by pausing and reflecting. For example, each time you get into your car or step outside, take in your surroundings and breathe. You will see that just making little moments for yourself brings happiness and a measure of gratitude for what you have.
3. Make small talk: When we prioritize efficiency and accomplishment over relationships, we suffer. We forget that our brains expect that we will have close others in our life, and when we don’t, clarity and focus decline. Also, you may be surrounded by people but that doesn’t mean you are really connecting. Start by taking time to make small talk with neighbors, friends, and colleagues. Make a point to spend 5 to 10 minutes really being present with a person. Over time, you’ll feel the benefits and you will extend this out to other people in your life.

Rethinking your approach to success can make all of the difference.