Overcoming the Caregiver Curse

As children, many nurturers grow up with generally happy temperaments. They are adaptable, more easily regulate their emotions, and are generally content. They may take on the role of the peacemaker in their family, or put their needs aside for the sake of others.

Nurturing is a wonderful trait—but caring about your loved ones to your own detriment can be toxic. Things go awry when a natural nurturer pairs up with someone who exploits and takes advantage of this personality characteristic. When this happens, you may initially find that your caregiving abilities make you feel special, loved, and even powerful in the union. Over time, though, you end up feeling used, burdened, and like the life you wanted for yourself is not possible

Here are some indicators that your relationship is one-sided—and strategies for overcoming the caregiver curse.

1. Walking on eggshells. You are never at ease. You are always wondering when the other shoe will drop with your partner. Will they/won’t they want to see you, or will they/won’t they blame you for something? If you need to make a request of them, will they turn on you? You are rarely at peace or at ease in your own skin but instead obsess about what’s going on or will go on with your partner. Start a new pattern by building self-awareness for when you start obsessing over your partner. When you catch yourself, take a deep breath, let go, and come back to the task at hand, improving yourself or your life in some way, or simply take in the present moment.

2. Feeling responsible for your partner’s negative emotions. When your partner is upset or anxious or angry, you work to make them feel better. You let them take out their emotions on you by fawning over them and absorbing those emotions. "Are you okay? I am so sorry that happened,” is fine, but allowing your partner’s intense emotions to play out over and over again in excess, unchecked, can become emotionally abusive. See if you can start a new way of communicating in these moments in which you keep your own self care top of mind. For example: “Sounds like a hard day, but the way you are expressing it is intense and overwhelming. I am going to take a break and we can revisit it when you're calmer.”

3. Making excuses for your partner. Perhaps there are things you look forward to or that you think will happen and then, once again, your partner’s needs trump your own. Instead of drawing a boundary and letting your partner know his/her behavior is unacceptable, you quickly blink away your rage and make an excuse for them and then once again accommodate. Start recognizing when you are actually upset by something your partner did or didn’t do. Instead of pushing it away so quickly, let the feelings be present and resist the impulse to immediately make an excuse for them. Anger is an important emotion that, when appropriately processed, helps us do what needs to be done or say what needs to be said to take care of ourselves.

4. Fear of being alone. Often at the heart of the caregiving dynamic is a person who has not yet fully confronted themselves and how to be at ease within themselves. This can keep you in relationships that may be unhealthy but that feel better than just being alone with yourself. Start to change this pattern by making more time to just be with yourself. Over time you should become more at ease alone, and even start to enjoy it. (A good start to healthfully being alone is the exercise in this post. For more on building self-esteem, see my book.)