Grieving Through Birthdays and Death Days

You feel unusually grumpy and stressed. You’re jittery, exhausted, or melancholy. You’re confused because nothing seems to be triggering these feelings. But then you look at the calendar, and you realize it’s your loved one’s birthday or death day. If we accept that "the body keeps the score,” we understand that sometimes our bodies register these anniversaries before our minds do.

We usually expect the first birthday and death day after our person has died to bring up a host of feelings. But the truth is these dates can be challenging for grievers years after their person has died.

In year one or two, your friends and family might still be attuned to these key dates, and remember to check in with you. For sure, you’ll be anticipating these milestones and are unlikely to be taken off guard by the tornado of emotions swirling inside you. But years down the road, when the rest of the world thinks we’ve “moved on,” the absence of our loved one’s presence is as strong as ever.

How can we acknowledge the birthdays and death days of the people we’re grieving in a way that honors the loss we carry with us?

Lean into the loss not away from it

This isn’t a “normal” day; don’t try to turn it into one. Business as usual might make you feel worse. Instead, think about the anniversary ahead of time and consider what you might want to do, whether that’s eating at your person’s favorite restaurant, spending the day at the beach, or listening to the music that warms your soul. The key is to be deliberate.

Share the date with others

It’s probably unrealistic that our close friends or even family members will remember the dates that are emotionally charged for us; don’t be shy about reminding them. Share the key dates ahead of time and ask them to check in with you or spend the day together. It’s not always easy to ask; keep in mind that your people will likely be grateful that you’re giving them a way to help.

Create rituals

Religion comes in handy, offering traditions like candle lighting, prayer ceremonies, and a built-in community. If that doesn’t speak to you, consider creating your own rituals. Visit the cemetery. Volunteer for a cause that is meaningful to your person. Spend time with other people who love the person you’re grieving.

Leverage social media

For all the downsides of social media when we’re grieving, there’s an upside, too. It offers us a way to reach a broad swath of people who have their own memories of your person, and even some who might be feeling equally stirred on these anniversaries. Post a picture and memory and ask others to do the same.

Host a party

Your person’s birthday offers the perfect excuse to celebrate their life and legacy. Make a cake. Look at the pictures. Invite friends to share their own photos and memories. Don’t shy away from hosting a gathering on the anniversary of their death as well. Surrounding yourself with people you love or people who loved the person you’re grieving (who aren’t always the same people) can provide emotional support and offset some of the feelings of loneliness that arise from missing your person.

As with all things grief-related, there’s only one overarching rule: allow yourself to feel what you feel. There’s no right or wrong, no timeline to adhere to. Give yourself grace and make note of what feels good and what doesn’t. You can try again next year.