Non-Binary Microaggressions: Everyday Interactions That Harm

This week (July 10, 2022) has been non-binary awareness week. My spouse is non-binary and moving through the world with them* has helped me notice the many mundane ways that non-binary and gender nonconforming people experience isolation, exclusion, hostility, and violence in the world. I want to help others understand how they can avoid doing harm and move into ways that provide positive and affirming interactions for the non-binary people in your life—whether they have told you about their non-binary identity or not.

For example, this week in testimony to the senate about the Dobbs case, UC Berkeley law professor Dr. Khiara Bridges used the term “people with the capacity for pregnancy” in her testimony and explained to Senator Hawley that language that excludes trans and non-binary people is violent because it denies their existence.

I agree with her arguments and there is substantial research that supports the minority stress experienced by transgender and non-binary people in the U.S. and the negative impacts it has on their health (Budge et al 2020; Frost et al 2019; Hatchel et al 2019; Tebbe & Moradi 2016). Part of this stress comes from everyday microaggressions, which in the case of non-binary people are everyday acts that reinforce the gender binary, also referred to as cisnormativity (McBride 2021; Nadal et al 2011; Solorzano et al 2001). I will address four examples of non-binary microaggressions and how to fix them including:

1. Filling out forms
2. Participating in recreational sports
3. Shopping and dining
4. Staring

1. Filling out forms

Problem: Filling out forms feels like a daily occurrence. Whether we're completing doctor’s office forms, filling out a customer service survey, or signing up for a new online account, we are asked to state our “sex” or “gender” and are often given only two choices. This erasure of trans and non-binary identities causes real harm—it tells you that you don’t exist or that your identity is not recognizable.

Possible solution: First decide if your organization needs to know each person’s legal sex or gender identity and why. If you need it for legal reasons, then ask for their legal sex. If you need it for social reasons, then ask the person’s pronouns. All you need to know is how to address them properly, not the complex layers behind their body, identity, and where they are in their process of becoming. If you don’t really need either of that information, then don't ask or give an option of “decline to state” or “opt out."

2. Recreational sports

Problem: There are so many opportunities for folks to participate in fun runs, fundraisers, and recreational sports leagues. These opportunities provide community, connection, and healthy ways to connect your body with the world. However, many of these events divide participants into two groups and only give awards to men and women. As such, non-binary folks don’t get a chance for recognition and are forced to choose a category that doesn’t fit them if they want to participate.

Possible solution: Assuming there are no major awards or prizes, consider not having gender categories. If you want to recognize outstanding athletes by sex and/or age, consider adding an all-gender category and letting folks register for the category they want to compete in. If there are significant prizes associated with placing, then consider requesting that folks submit legal documents (passport, driver's license, etc.) confirming their sex category for men and women, but don’t require ID for the all-gender category.

3. Shopping and dining

Problem: When interacting with service personnel in shops and restaurants, they commonly address you as “ladies/gentlemen” or “Ma’am/Sir." While I recognize this is an attempt at being polite, this causes harm to folks who are non-binary or gender nonconforming because you have to make assumptions about a person’s gender to use such terms.

Possible solution: Practice using gender-neutral terms when addressing clients. Some examples include: “How are you folks doing today?” “Have you two decided what to order?” “Have you been helped?” “What changing room would you feel most comfortable using today?” In classrooms, teachers have moved away from addressing their students as “boys and girls” and say "scholars," "friends," "learners," or my favorite, “theydies and gentlethems." If you know the person is non-binary you can also consider using the gender-neutral honorific “Mx.” instead of “Mr.” or “Ms.”

Gender Essential Reads

Insights From Research of Teens Unhappy With Their Gender

Hostile and Benevolent Sexism: Two Sides of the Same Coin

4. Staring

Problem: Being in public and having people stare at you. These stares are not friendly glances or passing eye contact; they are filled with distaste and ugly curiosity that say, “What are you?” My spouse is constantly stared at in restaurants, public transit, the grocery store—most public spaces. These stares are followed by nudges, pointing, and couples craning their necks. This has led to us leaving restaurants, cutting dates short, and canceling plans to avoid the potential discomfort.

Possible solution: Don’t stare. Staring is rude. Staring and pointing are ruder. Full stop.

There are many more examples that I could provide, including finding a safe public restroom or having to pass through TSA when flying. I hope the examples and suggestions in this post offer you new ways of thinking about how you (and any organizations you work with or lead) interact with the people in your world. Let’s celebrate gender diversity together and make more positive spaces that welcome non-binary people.

*My spouse uses they/them pronouns. Other gender-neutral pronouns that folks use can include ze/zim, xe/xim, sie/hir.