How to Keep the Spark Alive in a Relationship

Source: AdinaVoicu/Pixabay

Ambrose Bierce wrote in his satirical book The Devil's Dictionary that love is a “temporary insanity curable by marriage.” Is there any truth to that? If so, why does love decline? And what can we do about it?

This post summarizes the findings of a recent review paper by Weber and Baucom, which examines the causes and solutions to declining positive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in romantic relationships.

Losing the passion over time

New couples usually have more positive than negative experiences in the earlier stages of their romantic relationship, for example, when they begin dating, become engaged, or start their married life.

This positivity has many sources, including intense feelings of warmth and a sense of harmony experienced when thinking about the romantic partner or the relationship itself, and the pleasure of engaging in activities together, such as dining out and going to the movies.

Yet, potential negatives (e.g., conflicts, hostilities, shouting matches, even physical violence) can increase over time. When this occurs, some seek couples therapy, and as a result, the relationship survives—or, if a breakup is the right decision, the relationship ends amicably.

In many other cases, however, things escalate and the relationship ends painfully, as when a husband and wife go through a prolonged and nasty divorce.

Even if negatives do not increase over time, positives may decline. In these situations, the romantic partners may not feel that love is completely gone, yet they remain well aware of the fading away of the initial spark, flame, vitality, passion, or enthusiasm.

For instance, they might notice that acts of affection (e.g., holding hands, hugging, saying "I love you," giving gifts) have gradually disappeared or have lost their magic and compelling emotional power.

Why does the spark fade?

One reason positive experiences decline is that loving behaviors become less frequent.

Research shows that the “honeymoon period” is one of high intensity and exclusive attention to one’s lover. It is also metabolically expensive. So, naturally, it cannot last.

Another reason the honeymoon period does not last is the eventual intrusion of external demands (e.g., work, study). These demands leave less energy and time for maintaining the previously high positive energy levels and regular engagement in enjoyable romantic experiences.

This is particularly the case with external pressures that cause severe or chronic stress, for instance, major work or financial worries.

Another explanation for the loss of passion is romantic behaviors becoming not less frequent but less rewarding. Specifically, even if a couple finds a way to engage in all the rewarding activities they did at the beginning, they may find these behaviors are no longer as pleasurable.

For example, the husband’s jokes now sound less funny. The “I love you” text messages of his wife seem not as cute or adorable. Or the couple’s sex life appears increasingly boring and predictable.

So, whether due to habituation, predictability (e.g., as a result of greater stability in family life and career), or other factors, behaviors once considered delightful and gratifying become less so.

Interventions to increase positivity in romantic relationships

One approach to increasing the positives in romantic relationships is based on cognitive-behavioral couples therapy.

How could cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), you may wonder, help couples complaining of emotional problems (e.g., not feeling love in their relationship)? Can CBT really rekindle a romantic relationship?

First, we need to understand that cognitive behavioral models assume thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are interrelated. CBT is based on the idea that to change how you feel, you need to change how you think or behave.

Second, the treatment aims to create more opportunities where positive feelings can emerge.

Relationships Essential Reads

3 Signs Your Partner Is a Sentimental Person

When You and Your Partner Feel Like Roommates

As researchers Weber and Baucom note, “Because expressions of love often arise when couples feel connected, the intervention might focus on increasing opportunities for connection,” such as “increasing enjoyable activities and demonstrations of support, care, and gratitude.”

The best way to increase opportunities for love and connection will depend on the specific reasons the spark began fading initially. As noted earlier, two common explanations for why positives decline in a romantic relationship are external pressures and stale routines. So, the last two sections of this article will offer suggestions on how to deal with each of these problems.

Ways of dealing with external pressures

1. Reduce external demands and related commitments (e.g., your hours at work, the various social or work events you “must” attend).
2. Develop the mindset of seeking opportunities for positive experiences. This is particularly important when external demands cannot be reduced. Such a mindset may require creativity, flexibility, and reliance on social support and external resources (e.g., hiring a babysitter).
3. Create or “make room” for positive experiences, even if seemingly minor ones (e.g., spending half an hour together at the beach). When frequent, these episodes can increase positivity and rekindle your relationship.

Strategies for keeping a relationship from becoming stale

1. Explore new activities together. Delve deeper into areas of mutual interest (e.g., taking advanced yoga classes). Or discover new areas of interest, be it salsa dancing, nature photography, or volunteering at an animal shelter.
2. Explore new activities individually, too. Then, share what you have learned. This may create opportunities for enthusiastic conversations and positive thoughts about the partner (e.g., “My wife/husband is so artistic”).
3. Reflect on all your rituals as a couple—having a cup of coffee in the morning, doing household chores together, having popcorn while watching movies in the evening, sending funny Tweets back and forth, texting each other “I love you” before sleep, etc. Now, think whether these are mindless habits or perhaps opportunities for positive experiences and increased connection, closeness, and intimacy. This may facilitate increased awareness of the emotional meaning behind your rituals.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Facebook image: Olena Yakobchuk/Shutterstock