Do You Have to Divorce Extended Family, Too?

Source: Tyler Nix/Unsplash

When your marriage dissolves, you don’t just lose one person. Invariably, there will be some friends who fall by the wayside, but you also stand to lose the bonds you’ve had with the in-laws (mother, father, sister, brother, and all the kids they may have).

Whether you are relieved to be rid of members of your spouse's family, or you hope to continue your relationships with extended family, these relationships can be complicated.

Detaching from in-laws can make your life easier, but these people have often been your family for years. They matter.

Is it OK for you to stay in touch or even just say goodbye to the ex in-laws? If you're not comfortable with your ex-spouse maintaining ties with your family, are you allowed to tell them to stay away from your family? Others avoid keeping ties because it can feel awkward—both for the family and for the ex-spouse. It can simply feel cleaner to make a complete exit.

My friend Connie didn’t want anyone to have any contact whatsoever with her family after she kicked her ex out. She was devastated by her husband because he had cheated on her. In her mind,

"He didn’t deserve" to have access to any of her relatives. “You reject me; you reject my family,” she told him.

A man I worked with years ago told his wife that he forbade her to go to his parent's ranch, even though the family was closer to her than they were to him.

These are examples of how adults sometimes manage, but when your kids want to interact with their cousins (your brother- and sister-in-law's sons and daughters), and it's your weekend with the kids, what do you do? What is the etiquette for maintaining a relationship with your in-laws after a divorce?

Here are some guidelines:

1. Honesty is paramount:
   Don’t try to sneak around your ex’s back. They will always find out, and things are made exponentially worse by lies (especially if one of the reasons for the divorce was lying behavior). State your desire to continue a relationship with your ex’s family, but be prepared for a “no” answer. If the answer is no, you must respect their wishes. Boundaries matter, especially in the early days of the dissolution. Keep in mind that, as time goes on, these rigid lines may get softer. Time heals.
2. Maintain civility:
   Don't speak negatively about your ex-spouse or involving your in-laws—especially in front of the kids. Remember not to put your kids in the middle of your disputes. No one likes to be around tension, but kids, in particular, can be mentally and emotionally damaged by the acrimony. Be cordial and maintain a civil tone while talking about your ex's family or when interacting with the in-laws when you do have to interact with them. If they are rude to you, just bite your tongue and walk away. As the saying goes, "hurt people hurt people." If the in-laws are being snarky or condescending to you, it says more about them than it does about you. Be the bigger person, and don't engage.
3. Take responsibility for your actions and for your part:
   Don't try to paint a picture that you are the victim of the demise of the marriage. Relationships are complicated and it's never one person's fault that things didn't work out. Instead of focusing on what your ex-spouse did to you, look in the mirror and try to see what your part of the equation was. After all, what you don't change will almost assuredly follow you into the next relationship. It's incumbent upon you to be a better partner moving forward. You can't do that if you continue to point the finger at them.
4. Always put your kids’ needs first:
   Maintaining a positive relationship with former in-laws is good for the children. After all, these people will always be in your kids' lives, and while you're not related to the in-laws by blood, your kids are. Think about how your children are being impacted by your split. They need to see that people can still get along and that they won't get caught in the crossfire. Kids are like little sponges, and they absorb all the energy from things around them. If tensions are running high and kids are exposed to that, it could harm them. Additionally, punishing your in-laws by not letting your children spend time with them on your watch is actually punishing your kids as well. It can be tempting to operate from your less mature self, but when it comes to your kids, think about what you are modeling for them. Is that really what you want to teach them about how to behave?

5. Take care of yourself:
   If maintaining a relationship with your in-laws becomes too emotionally challenging for you, don't try to force it. Focus on your well-being and emotional health. In time, everything will get easier. You may have to keep your world small for now or create a completely different community. That's OK. It's important to surround yourself with supportive people, places, and things until you feel emotionally stronger.

6. Seek support from a therapist or group of peers:
   There's no substitute for getting counsel from a trained professional (not all therapists are knowledgeable about divorce, so be sure to find someone who is). Having a sounding board in a safe, non-judgmental environment where you don't have to worry about things you say getting back to your ex-spouse is incredibly healing. You often gain beneficial perspective and understanding.
   Finding a divorce support group, however, often has even more of a healing impact. Here's why: the sense of isolation, marginalization, and loneliness often disappear. You have a community of peers who know about your struggles. They may not know exactly what you're going through, but they have a good idea because they are in it, too. No one tires of listening to you because you all listen to and support one another. It's not just you leaning on one or two friends.
   The other reason I like support groups is that they are almost always more affordable than individual therapy.

Conclusion

Remember that divorce is one of the trickiest passages you will ever have to navigate. Losing your sense of family on top of losing the person who was once your best friend, lover, confidante, and mate makes the journey that much tougher. There are steps you can take to have a more positive experience. Do what you can to follow these guidelines, and you will likely have a better time of it.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.