Verified by 
Key points
- Being at a crossroads with your marriage is difficult.
- There are certain scenarios in which a parenting marriage works well.
- Staying for the kids is a viable option that can Be short-term or longer-term.
When your marriage is in trouble, you don't have any options without pain or sacrifice. You can divorce, separate, stay in the marriage, or get creative and change the marital rules. Each option has trade-offs.
Everyone knows that divorce is extremely difficult on many fronts. Not only is it a tremendous loss (loss of stability, loss of a partner, loss of a dream, loss of a sense of family), but it can be quite challenging financially and socially. This is especially true when the couple has children.
For this reason, many couples choose to avoid the drastic disruption and drop off in the standard of living of breaking up. Instead, they stay together and tough it out. This alternative has its own set of consequences such as having to suffer in an unhappy—or sometimes even unbearable—situation, feeling like a fraud, not being true to yourself, and having a sense that life is simply passing you by.
Separation can be helpful in getting distance from your mate, but it creates logistical issues and the additional expense of a separate residence.
In 2007, I was working with a couple who couldn’t decide whether to stay, go, or separate. It’s a quandary I see a lot of with those who come to see me and it’s a tough spot to be in. The greatest reason for wanting to stay was to provide stability for the kids and to allow both of them to see the kids every day, be involved in their sports activities, help them do their homework, and tuck them in at night.
After many sessions of going back and forth between stay or go, it occurred to me that there might be an out-of-the-box solution—one that would enable them to both stay and go by acknowledging that their romantic connection was over but by allowing them to stay and raise their kids together. I called it a parenting marriage.
In the years since, there have been dozens of couples who have put a parenting marriage into place all over the world. It’s not a good fit for every couple, but here are some circumstances in which it can be ideal.
1. You’ve been stuck in indecision for quite a while.
2. You and your spouse share goals for your kids.
3. You have similar parenting styles.
4. You respect each other.
5. You both agree the romantic foundation of your marriage is gone.
6. You trust each other.
7. You are both emotionally mature.
8. You can handle your spouse having a separate life (and eventually possibly dating).
9. You don’t mind going against societal norms.
10. You’re ready to do something different than what you have been doing.
The best thing about the parenting marriage is that it is versatile. It can be used in three main ways:
A. For those still in the marital indecision cycle, a parenting marriage can be used as a "time-out" to figure out which direction to go in (stay or go). One woman called it a "pause button" because it gave her time to think about what she truly wanted after finding out her husband cheated on her. The parenting marriage is ideal for couples who have a crisis and don't want to make a "knee-jerk" decision for something so consequential. Many couples are able to get their relationship back on solid ground once they get a sense of perspective. When couples do reunite after getting on the other side of their difficulties, they are grateful they didn't pursue a divorce. However, having some space can also help couples see that divorce is the right next step.
B. As a step in the divorce process. Because couples often create a postnuptial agreement when doing a parenting marriage, they end up having discussions about dividing assets, time with kids, and other items that need to be negotiated. Anything you agree on in the process of creating your parenting marriage, you likely won't have to redo in your divorce. This can, at best, help you save money in your divorce; at worst, it can take care of some of your legal expenses before you even file.
C. As a long-term way of life. A parenting marriage is something that need not end, even after the kids have moved out. It may sound strange but, because partnering provides people with stability socially, emotionally, and financially, it doesn't have to stop simply because the kids and the spark of the physical attraction are gone. One couple I interviewed has continued living in the same house (different parts of the house), they have continued being social with the same friends they had when they were "together," they still have family vacations together, but they also have their own lives. This concept is the opposite of what our culture tells us is acceptable but, if two people get along well and like each other, why can't they stay together in this way?
Conclusion
Unfortunately, you can't avoid pain when your marriage is in trouble. All avenues require you to give up something.
Putting the kids first by doing a parenting marriage is definitely not conventional but it can provide a compromise between staying and going for you as parents. It is not for everyone, however, because it can be challenging to continue to live with your spouse as a roommate. Yet, this option provides couples with a solid place to pivot from since you can get back together after getting some separation and perspective; you can choose to divorce after doing a parenting marriage and you will have set up some important agreements; or, you can continue to live this way indefinitely.
A parenting marriage is a good place to begin your process since it is so flexible.
No part of this publication may be reproduced without the express written permission of the author. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.
