Want to Avoid Divorce? Get Creative and Stay Married

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Some of you may have lost interest in being sexual with your spouse. Some may have been unhappy with your passionless and sexless marriage for years—probably since the kids were born. Many of you tell me that it feels like the marriage is dead and that a part of you has died along with it.

Perhaps you've noticed the months and years pass with no passion; maybe you haven't. The children have unwittingly facilitated a divide between the two of you, and you've slipped into a romantic-less co-parenting existence. But, because the kids have brought much more fulfillment than anything you could have imagined, the lack of sex hasn't been such a big deal.

As much as part of you may want (or feel entitled to) physical closeness and human touch, there is probably another part of you that believes putting the needs of the kids and family first is paramount.

You may be what I call "affair-ready."

When you're at this juncture, it feels like you have no good options. You can't will the sexual connection back into your relationship, and you can't bring yourself to blow up the family just because you want sex.

If you've been unfulfilled for a long time (relative term, I know), you may choose to go off and have an affair or act out sexually in secret, but I can tell you that the wreckage you will leave behind with your spouse (and possibly even your children) by living a double life won't be worth it.

There is simply no way to reconcile, so you may be tempted to just keep the status quo.

You Have More Choices Than You May Realize

Many couples that have outgrown their baseline nuptials have begun breaking the traditional rules of marriage in recent years.

There's more talk today about polyamory, open relationships, and being "monogam-ish," for example. Couples no longer have to live under the same roof (we even have names for these couples: "apartners" or "LATs"—live apart, or alone, together couples). Or couples experiencing lost love/attraction may stay living under the same roof, but they may opt to change the rules and create their own kinds of unions.

Some of these new alternatives sound great in theory, but implementing them may be another thing entirely. Breaking matrimonial tradition is hard on many levels.

You may feel resistant and like you're doing something sacrilegious. Your spouse may also be resistant to these alternatives, or they may downright refuse to listen to your ideas. If this is the case, you may have to give your proposal a little bit of space and time to percolate. I've seen many people come around to making drastic changes once it becomes obvious that the problems and pain of keeping the status quo isn't going away.

Be patient. Do more research about your options. Allow yourself and your spouse to come around to trying something different. Don't try to force things to go in any particular direction.

Two Alternatives You Can Try in Order to Avoid Divorce

The best way that I know of to keep the marriage and family intact but to take away the expectation of getting your sexual needs met from your spouse is to convert your nuptials to a Parenting Marriage.

A Parenting Marriage can be done most easily if you and your spouse parent well together, if you both accept that the marriage you once enjoyed is over, and if you both have an open mind to trying something different.

In a nutshell, here are the advantages:

1. Your kids' lives don't change much, if at all.
2. Your finances don't change much.
3. Your home life doesn't change much.

The challenges are:

1. It can be tough to let go of the dream you had of your spouse being "The One."
2. It can be scary to go outside of a model you've known your entire life in order to try something new. (But if you think about it, you're already doing this part.)

Once you've got the Parenting Marriage established, you may want to consider the second stage* of this change. You will likely find this next part the most challenging, but the good news is that it's optional. (*Of course, you may opt to have an Open Marriage without doing a Parenting Marriage as well—I'm just sharing ideas I've seen work well.)

Contemplating the idea of one or both of you having outside romantic interests while staying in the partnership—especially if you have never allowed yourself to entertain such thoughts—can be a huge leap. For some, even just thinking about having an honest conversation with your husband or wife about this will seem daunting (there's a reason people have been sneaking around—this is hard!).

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Having an Open Marriage is definitely not for everyone, but I think it is so important to have a healthy, frank, and honest conversation about the possibility. You may both agree that it's not right at all, or that it won't work at this time; or you may have differing opinions about the topic.

Either way, talking about it and agreeing about what might work for you is incredibly important. It takes courage upfront to broach the topic of opening the marriage, but you can feel good knowing you are doing the honorable thing.

The advantages of this lifestyle are:

1. You are getting your physical and sometimes spiritual needs met.
2. Your life is enriched by new experiences.
3. You are not having to live dishonestly.

The challenges are:

1. You might feel jealous, or you might be the recipient of your mate's jealousy.
2. New relationships of any kind complicate things
3. There is certainly no guarantee that you won't fall in love with a new person, so the family may still end up splitting.

If you're ready to explore these ideas, I recommend you get some professional guidance before setting sail. If you're not ready, I recommend that you contemplate this article and do your own research as to what is out there in the way of creating personalized nuptial agreements (see the book list at the end of this article). For better or worse, it's really a whole new world out there.

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