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The following was posted on a popular online question-and-answer site.
I very strongly believe I have social anxiety—mild or moderate, hence I experience many of the symptoms. However, I tend to be completely fine in social interactions just as long as I’m with a close friend. Why am I like this?
In a social situation, the presence of a friend can make a huge difference. Renowned neurological researcher Stephen Porges discovered that when we are with other people, we send and receive signals unconsciously. If the signals we receive indicate benign intent they activate our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), the system that calms us. Porges calls this the social engagement system.
Why does being around others make some of us anxious? It has to do with the amygdala. The amygdala tries to keep us safe by releasing stress hormones when it senses anything it is not used to. This is based on the idea that anything the amygdala is used to is probably not a threat, and anything unfamiliar—including another person—could be dangerous. This means the amygdala reacts to many things that are not dangerous.
Our high-level thinking, executive function, is better able to determine what is dangerous and what is safe. When stress hormones are released, they cause a feeling of alarm that forces executive function to drop what it is doing and focus on what the amygdala is reacting to. Executive function is then supposed to determine whether there is a threat or not. But, before executive function can apply itself to that job, the PNS must get rid of the alarm. In a state of alarm, executive function freezes like a deer in the headlights.
Here is where anxiety problems begin. Many of us do not have the psychological processes needed to properly activate the PNS.
- If the PNS does not activate at all, the alarm continues until the stress hormones burn off, about 90 seconds. With our thinking frozen, we don't know whether or not we are about to die. This throws us into a state of panic.
- If the PNS partially activates, thinking is possible but impaired. The continued alarm makes us believe there is danger even when there is none.
- If the PNS fully activates, we become cool, calm, and collected enough for executive function to come up with its best strategy possible.
This ability to activate the PNS, even in a life-threatening situation, is what fighter pilots call "the right stuff." The processes that activate the PNS are developed early in life when we are completely dependent on others. If the caregivers that a young child depends on make the child feel secure, the processes are more likely to develop than if the child feels insecure. Research shows about 40 percent of us were insecurely attached. Thus it isn't surprising that many of us lack the processes needed to dismiss imagined threats and deal effectively with genuine threats.
In most social situations, signals that we are physically safe partially activate the PNS. If a good friend is present, signals of emotional safety cause the PNS to fully activate. Our heart rate slows. Our breathing slows. Perspiration is reduced. We feel comfortable even though the amygdala continues releasing stress hormones due to the presence of unfamiliar people.
Without a friend present, there may be no signals of emotional safety. Logically, we have no reason to run away. But emotionally—because of limited PNS activation—we feel uncomfortable. In the same environment, a person with secure early attachment is carried through by internal resources attachment theorist John Bowlby called internal working models of secure attachment. We sometimes speak of generalized anxiety. These internal resources provide generalized security. "Friends inside" can activate the PNS when "friends outside" are unavailable.
If you want to be more comfortable when you do not have a close friend with you, you can pre-link your friend’s presence to an upcoming challenging situation,
The following brief instructions are adapted from my book Panic Free. Make a list of what you expect to see at the gathering. Include people, the room, and objects in the room. Remember being with your friend. One by one, link each thing on your list to your friend's, face, then to your friend's voice, and finally to your friend's touch.
- To link to their face, imagine they are holding a photo of one thing on your list touching their cheek.
- Next, link to their voice. Imagine the two of you are looking at the photo together and are talking about what you see in the photo.
- Then, as you are talking, imagine your friend puts an arm around you to give you an affectionate hug.
Though your friend may not be physically present, via these links he or she will be psychologically present.
