What My Psychology Students Say They’ll Remember in 10 Years

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As their last assignment for the semester, I asked the 126 students in my Psychology of Close Relationships class to imagine their lives ten years from now. Where will they be living? Who will they be living with? What will they be doing? Then, once they had immersed themselves in this future life, I asked them to imagine what, if anything, they would still remember from this class. What teachings would be powerful enough to stick with them over a decade? Reading about who and where they thought they would be in 10 years was fun (have you tried to really imagine your life in the future?) and it was illuminating to see what they thought they would have taken with them from our class. Here are some of the common ones they told me (many of which, it turns out, I've already blogged about):

1. When it comes to finding a relationship partner—we don’t always choose the person who has the traits we say we want (and sometimes we choose people who have some of our “deal breakers”). Relationship researchers have yet to crack the code on predicting relationship chemistry, and this is partly because when researchers ask people who they want to date and then look at who they actually choose to date, the data don’t line up. We cannot always write down on a piece of paper who we are actually looking for.

2. New relationships help us self-expand, which is a good thing. We take on skills and characteristics of our partners and try new activities and experiences with them, which is part of what can make the early stage of a relationship so exciting and enjoyable. Over time, however, we get to know our partners well and typically settle into routines together. This means our relationships become less of a source of self-expansion and can begin to feel boring. Many of my students said they were worried about getting bored in their relationships, and this lecture helped them realize they had some control over that happening. Doing new activities together and learning more about each other (by asking each other questions or hanging out together with new people) can promote self-expansion and help fight boredom. Activities that promote self-expansion can also promote sexual desire.

3. Conflict is inevitable—it is not about whether you fight but how you fight. When fighting, try to avoid the four horsemen of the apocalypse: criticism, defensiveness, hostility, and stonewalling. These four behaviors are potent predictors of marital disaster; my students said they would remember these in 10 years.

4. Relationships are affected by what is going on in our bodies and in our lives. When we feel stressed, tired, or hungry, we may treat our relationship partners differently than when we are relaxed, rested, and well-fed. Many of my students said that recognizing the role of outside sources or (“unseen influences”) in their relationships was an eye-opener. For example, when we are stressed, we are more likely to interpret everything through a negative filter (here are some tips for fighting it).

5. Sacrifice is also inevitable—but how you navigate the sacrifice matters. Sacrificing for approach-motivated reasons (wanting to make your partner happy, to bring you closer together) is associated with better outcomes than sacrificing for avoidance-motivated reasons (wanting to avoid conflict or being alone). As my students looked to the future, they imagined having to decide whether to make big sacrifices for their relationships when deciding where to live or what job to take. Learning about sacrifice helped them see they have some control over the outcomes of those sacrifices. They also thought they would remember that appreciating each other’s sacrifices is important. People who expect their relationship partner to sacrifice tend to be less appreciative when sacrifices do occur.

6. We do not always feel or express gratitude, but we should. It is natural to focus more on what is bothering us than what is going well. And even when we feel gratitude, we don’t always express it. Many of my students noted that they knew gratitude was a good thing, but after learning about the research on gratitude in class, they realized they did not take the time to actually express it (or express it well). Some said they had already started expressing gratitude more to their friends and family and many thought they’d still be doing this in 10 years.

7. Our perceptions shape our relationships. A common theme throughout the entire semester was that we see the world through our own biased eyes, but believe we see the world accurately. In our relationships, this means that we are often more affected by how we see our partners than by how our partners actually are. We project our own thoughts and feelings onto our partners and react accordingly. My students thought this was important because it helped them realize that their relationship partners might see things differently than they do, which can create strain and conflict. It also means, though, that choosing to see our partners positively can promote positive outcomes.